A sense of moving on

Feeling rather down at the moment.

Just got back from a mostly fantastic time away, working with Uni students on a retreat.  It is the start of my new job, and a great reminder, despite my nerves, that I am very well suited to this.

The bit that makes it mostly fantastic and not all fantastic is the same reason for my flat downess today.  You see, last year, though I was working there was very clearly an end point.  A time to move on.  But this job?  Someone asked me "So you are doing this for good?  Indefinately.".  And my answer was "I guess".  And that is really scary.

Of course, we are moving onto ED, and I still have good hopes for that.  But despite that there is this growing sense that this, this road that I am on, is not going to have a happy ending.  That this job, this life, with its good things (which are very good) and its Infertillity (which is bad enough to ruin most things) is just going to be my life ahead.

I was reading a blog that I've been reading for ages, a blog of someone who has had a baby after trying for ages.  As I read it there was this real sense of "It was all worth it" and "God had a plan".  But that just doesn't seem to happen in my life.  Thumper was my "happy ending" and he is dead.  And it just doesn't seem like anything good is going to follow him, at least not for a few years anyway.  And maybe never.

And remind me, even if there ever is, that I will never, ever say that Tim and I are "Finally a family".  Because no IF should ever, ever say that because it is a toxic lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know we are doing the right thing.  I have no doubt about this.  I am very confident that when I am eighty I'm not going to look back at this point and think we made a mistake.  But dreams dying hurt.  They hurt like hell.

And as much as I love my new job, compared to motherhood?  It kinda sucks.
LG

A year ago

To explain about this week I have to go back to this time last year.

This time last year, I was having a transfer.

This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.

So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.

I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.

And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.

This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.

It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.

A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.

I'm actually going okay.

Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.

And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.

So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.

Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy

LG

Where we are at?

Aunty Flo is due sometime next week.

I am praying for a miracle, and I am alot more hopeful than I've been for a while on a ordinary-persons cycle, but I am still planning for the AF future.

The difficult thing is that in the middle of July I have probably the biggest event of the year for work. I am running and coordinating a Kids program with 22 volunteers (including lots of teenagers we are training up), and 65 kids for three days. While everything else I can delegate or put off for a transfer, this just isn't one of them. So when AF does make her appearance I have to do a big calculation and think as to whether there is any chance of transfer having at the same time as the kids program. Because if there is, I will really have to wait another cycle before trying our last little Embie.

I'm hoping to do acupuncture too, particularly in the lead up to the tranfer. But I found out that my private health insurance doesn't cover it, and it is quite expensive. So Earl and I are still in discussions about it. I think we will still go ahead, but it won't be able to be too regular a thing, maybe just around the actual transfers.

Earl's struggling. I feel like I've had time to recover from our conversation on the weekend. Earl hasn't. He is feeling very raw and weak, and I don't always know how to encourage him (though he says I'm doing a good job- yay!). He said to me, "If only we got pregnant and had a kid it would all be okay".

I know what he means. I think that all the time. It would be a huge answer to the millions of questions we are dealing with at the moment. But at the same time, one of the biggest things that came to me as we talked as this: "God is still God even if we never get pregnant". It's hard to hold onto, when we want something so desperately, but it's true. It will be okay, because God is still with us, whatever happens.

Please pray for us and please pray for Earl.
LG

Bubble breaks

Great mood has gone down the toilet due to a stressful day at work.

SIGH

It is amazing how every hard thing I go through flips back to Infertility. I can't help it. Even things that aren't related really end up landing back in it.

Examples of my thinking:
Work stressful: If I was pregnant still or if I already had a baby I wouldn't have this job or at least I would be about to finish.

Being hurt by someone: Why does God give them a kid when they are so mean and I don't get any children

I bump my head: Oh, my head hurts and I don't have a baby

The last one shows the arbitrariness of the whole thing. It isn't that things relate to my infertility, it's more just that it is always there, and when I get sad, it is my go-to backup reason for my bad mood!

But one thing that has been lovely for this last week (and so far hasn't gone away yet despite my many temper tantrums) is a renewed joy in Thumper. Every time I see his beautiful little ultra-sound I feel filled with love, and I remember that he is my little baby still, and that for 9 weeks I had a baby in my tummy. And that is a joyful thing not just a hard thing. Thumper seems like my tangible bit of proof that I can actually get pregnant, that carrying a baby is possible.
And that's what keeps me going on a terrible day.
LG