"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, September 9, 2012

AF, emotions, and 5years and 9months of trying

Well, AF arrived on Friday. Shoots began last night and I have my first scan on Friday. Sometime in the next three weeks, all being well, I will have a frozen embryo.

Am I the only person in the world who is this obsessed with "How to feel" and "what to think"? It seemed to come up every cycle. I go between being scared and excited, hopeful and helpless. I want this to work more than anything, and to correspond with cycles starting I've started to feel more sensitive and empty. I think it's just that infertility is so normal now that most of the time I cope. But cycles remind me what I am missing and I feel the weight once again.

I saw Lydia yesterday. Lydia is an adorable little 4 year old. Though her mother mentioned she is 5 this month. And it hit me. September. 5 years and nine months of trying.  I could have had a five year old this month.

How to feel about that?


  1. LG, I am so sorry that you had this stark realization. It sucks when our personal lives suddenly trigger an infertility calendar. My thoughts are with you for this upcoming cycle.

  2. I think about those things a lot too, and I think I've concluded that you need to think and feel whatever you think and feel. All those thoughts and feelings are normal and are fine - even the ones that feel negative - they're all part of it. And I'm so sorry - I do that year comparison all the time, and it's like pouring lemon juice in a paper cut, only a million times worse!!!