"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I just want to be a cat

A few days ago, bff and I were talking and she said she had some "good but hard news".

I recon I've heard the words "good but hard" news come out of my bffs mouth a million times.  I almost want to talk to her about it.  It's almost like she HAS to acknowledge that pregnancy is good and that it is right to celebrate it, and she just wants to emphasis it to me.  That she wants me to to be a "good girl" and be happy for people, even if I'm sad for me.  And maybe that's reading too much into it.  But I think I want her to stop.  It's not her job to make me feel a certain way, it's not her job to counsel me to be well behaved in this.  It's hard enough to try to be mature in this situation.  It's harder when treated like a child.  It makes me want to be childish and say "Not good!  HARD HARD HARD HARD"

Anyway, off topic.  She is normally fabulous.  Its just this one thing.

Anyway- the "good but hard" news was (of course) someone was pregnant.  That someone was K.

Now- this is my relationship with K.

I met K years ago.  We shared a room once at a conference.  She was lovely.  I met her again when she became great buddies with my bff.  I maybe saw her twice (though I heard lots about her).  When bff got married we were both bridesmaids and went dress shopping together and made invites.  She then moved across the country.  She is now married to another friend of mine, but not one I see very much.

And she is pregnant.

Now of all the people I know who I couldn't really care less if their pregnant, K would be up the top.  She is in no way connected to my life.  I never have to see her or talk to her, my only real connection is through bff.

So I said to bff.  "Don't worry, I don't really care.  I mean, I never see her anyway.  And besides, I seen so many people become pregnant, it's almost like that's a world far removed from me that I'm not really affected".  But even as I said the words.  A wave.  A wave of pain and tears and anger.  At the unfairness of it.  Yes, I don't care two hoots about K or anything that is happening to her.  Yes, I am definitely better at dealing with other people's pregnancies.  But it's just unfair.  Unfair that I've had time to become immune.  Unfair that pregnancy is just so far away from my own experience that I don't even have room to be jealous. 

It's almost like being jealous of a cat because they just lie around all day.  I could be jealous of a cat, but then I'm not a cat, so I just don't think like that.  That is just not my world.  Every so often I might think, it would be fun to be a cat.  But it's so hard to imagine because a cat's life and my life have almost nothing in common.

And getting pregnant straight away after being married for 6 months?  That's something that cats do.  Not Lady Grey's.

And it's wrong!

The waves of anger and sadness continued to come, and I ended up blurting something out about it being unfair and that I wasn't okay, and that it just sucked.

Bff listened and then said: "You are an amazing person".

Lots of people say that.  I don't really get it-because it usually comes after a rant.  I mean, I am dealing with this, okay but definitely not well.  I guess they know it takes a certain person, a certain steel, a certain character to be able to live through all the crapiness and only have the occasional angry rant to reveal how terribly hard that is.  I guess that's what bff sees.  This person who goes on with life, despite this horrible part of their lives that doesn't go away.  Maybe that does make me special.

But I don't want to be special.
I just want to be a cat.

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