"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A year ago

To explain about this week I have to go back to this time last year.

This time last year, I was having a transfer.

This time last year, I was also getting ready to organise a massive Kids Holiday Program at our church.

So in between the busiest work two weeks of the year, I was lying down (sometimes at work, sometimes at home) for an hour at 1:30pm every day because that is when I had my 3rd Progesterone Pessary.

I was trying to juggle a team of volunteers, 65 kids, a huge program, and the flood of emotions of the 2 week wait. The two week wait had never flown by so fast.

And on the day after Kids Club Finish, I found out I was pregnant...sort of. I had a Beta of 25, which was no where near where it should have been. First it went up, then it went up, then there was more bleeding but it still went up. Then it didn't climb like it should, then there was more bleeding, then there were ultra sounds that didn't show anything, then there was talking about ectopic. Then there was stopping the pessaries, then there was the confirmation- miscarriage.

This time last year, my little Embryo Bonnie came to be with us, for a very, very short while.

It is strange to think about her now. I was never given any grantees that she would stay. It was always a very long shot. I didn't have the attachment time and the symptoms that made Thumper feel so real. But I still love her very much- and miss her.

A year on, and we slowly approach Thumper's due date, and a year since Bonnie came and went.

I'm actually going okay.

Work is really fun at the moment, as this Kids Club actually seems to lose its stress the more times you organise it. Earl and I are getting on so well, having lots of time together while he's on a study break. And I am loving this break from IVF. Normally I see it as a nothing time, but not this break. This break is like coming up for air which is so desperately necessary for my next dive. And I am enjoying the air. It is an air of hope.

And, I am pretty confident that I ovulated today. So even on a break there is something to dream about.

So all things considered, I'm reserved, I'm reflective. But I'm okay.

Dearest Bonnie. I love you so very much. Thank you for coming to be with us, thank you for staying even for just a little while. I can't wait to be with you again in heaven. Love Mummy


1 comment:

  1. I'm really happy you're enjoying your break, and your work, and your Earl!!!! You totally deserve it!!! It's such a blessing to have these holidays... the breaths of fresh air!!! And YAYYYYY!!! for ovulation!!!! :-)