"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Bubble breaks

Great mood has gone down the toilet due to a stressful day at work.


It is amazing how every hard thing I go through flips back to Infertility. I can't help it. Even things that aren't related really end up landing back in it.

Examples of my thinking:
Work stressful: If I was pregnant still or if I already had a baby I wouldn't have this job or at least I would be about to finish.

Being hurt by someone: Why does God give them a kid when they are so mean and I don't get any children

I bump my head: Oh, my head hurts and I don't have a baby

The last one shows the arbitrariness of the whole thing. It isn't that things relate to my infertility, it's more just that it is always there, and when I get sad, it is my go-to backup reason for my bad mood!

But one thing that has been lovely for this last week (and so far hasn't gone away yet despite my many temper tantrums) is a renewed joy in Thumper. Every time I see his beautiful little ultra-sound I feel filled with love, and I remember that he is my little baby still, and that for 9 weeks I had a baby in my tummy. And that is a joyful thing not just a hard thing. Thumper seems like my tangible bit of proof that I can actually get pregnant, that carrying a baby is possible.
And that's what keeps me going on a terrible day.

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