Anxiety

This week, despite the fact that I have been a little bit sick, has actually been great. On Tuesday I called up the clinic and confirmed a few things about the coming cycle, which theoretically should start in two weeks, though with my cycles it could be a little bit longer.

We will be doing a "natural" cycle, which means they will monitor me to find out when I ovulate and to make sure the uterus lining is in a decent shape, then they will do the embryo transfer when my body is ready. At that point I will be taking one progesterone pessarie just to keep the lining strong. I will presumably take Clexane (blood thinners) as well, since it has been so successful in the last three cycles (I went from one biochem pregnancy in 5 transfers, to one slightly positive test and one BFP in three transfers).

We will also have a meeting with the lovely, wonderful Dr L, our favourite of all of the doctors in the clinic, just before the new cycle, which is really just a follow-up from the Misscarriage to see if he thinks there is anything we should know about the coming cycles and what his advice is for us going forward.

Being so close to "doing something" is returning me to my more cheerful self. It is always the way. I LOVE doing something. It just makes me feel like this baby thing is around the corner rather than a million years away. Strange that in the last few years, my happiest moments have been when I've been stabbing myself with neddles or lying down with Progesterone Pessaries!

Though when Earl and I went out for dinner two nights ago, I think it both hit us that this time is different. We voiced fears that neither of us had liked to think about. The BFN or even worse, another misscarriage.

This time we just don't know how we will face another failer. I am happy because I am believing that it is going to work. And if it doesn't...I don't exactly know what that will mean. I suspect it will definately mean something new. In the past, after a failed cycle I would grieve the evening away, and then go back to work, depressed but functional. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again.

I am so scared and yet excited.
Please, please, please Father, let this next little Embryo be the one that stays!
LG