I turned 31 on Friday.
Not so bad. It might have been not so bad because I know there is a possibility that our baby is still alive inside of me. Or it might be that after the huge deal of 30, 31 just doesn't seem such a big deal. In some weird way, 31 seems younger than 30, if that makes any sense.
Also, I think I am getting better at letting go of old dreams and plans and just being positive about the future. Yes I wanted to have kids before I was 30. That dream is dead. But I have time on my side, and kids I have after 30 will be as precious as any kids I could have had before. Maybe more so, because I have wanted and worked so hard for them.
I also think that I'm dealing with it better because I really do think that Pregnancy is not too far away, or at least is out of the rhelm of the impossible.
I'm been incredibly distracted this weekend, Earl and I were looking after some teenagers from church who we took to a Christian Youth convention. It was awesome and overwhelming, and having to fit our plans around pessaries was really the only thing that kept things on my mind. It was wonderful too because the theme of the convention was the Jesus is better than anything. It is an incredible thing that God has given me his very, very best. Jesus, as my Savour, Lord and Brother! It is good to remember that, because so much of the time i get so caught up in this struggle I think that a BFP is the only good thing that matters.
But there will be little to distract me this week. Earl has gone interstate for a few days, coming back the night before the beta. This week it won't be so easy to avoid thinking about it.
In God's goodness the trip away with the teens also coincided with a baby shower for a lady expecting a July baby, whose pregnancy announcement came a few weeks after we lost Thumper. I am getting better at loving her through the disappointment and jealousy- but I wasn't up to her shower. And I didn't have to be. Thank you God :)
I want my baby to live. I want a BFP. I want God to answer my prayers with a Yes, Yes, Yes.
Please, Please, Please Heavenly Father.