"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The two me's

Not sure if anyone read my last post in time to pray for Sunday, but God definately answered our prayers. I don't know quite how it happened, but I managed to do (according to Earl) one of my best every kids talks. I held it together to welcome a new lady, had some nice time just hanging with Earl, I helped another girl write a kids talk, I sang in evening church, and I cheerfully went out for dinner after church with friends. I even handled saying and hearing "Happy Easter" about 20 times

It sounds like I don't care about my BFN at all. But I do, I really do.

Of course, I haven't included the hissy fits. Of which there were at least 5, spread throughout the day. And the tears. And the Angry prayers. And the whys?

When I woke up on Sunday morning I went onto facebook where our friends had just put up their photos of their fourth baby. These are lovely people who know about IVF and who pray for us. But they break my heart. Before we started trying, the husband told us matter-a-factly "We are hoping to get pregnant in June". A friend of these said they were even using the billing method to make sure there first was a boy. At the time even before all this IF rubbish I thought "You presumptious idiot!". They were pregnant in June. They had their boy. And not only that, they then had girl, boy, and now girl. They got pregnant with their second right at the point when we started trying. So they have had three kids (to add to their one) since we have been trying.

Please understand, I don't hate them. I don't think they deserve horrible things for their rediculous controllingness. But I just don't understand. Why do they get four and we get none. Why, do they get their precious little girl right in time to coincide with us once again loosing our own? I get so mad and so angry and I say to God "I'm sick of waiting!. Why is this so easy for so many and so hard for us?"

So my Easter was filled with joy, fun, anger, tears, disappointment and impatients.

I am a strange person. I can pull it together when I need to. And more than that, it's not hard. I just switch. I wasn't pretending to be happy yesterday as I taught the kids, as I goofed around with friends, as I laughed about Bear Gril latest disguisting antics over dinner. It was real. I've gotten so used to this double life it's like there are two mes. One- Belinda (my real name) who everyone knows is confident and together and friendly and happy. And then, Lady Grey- who cries and screams and thinks- "Can I really get through tomorrow?".

I am a people person, and when I am around my friends and particularly those God has given me to care for, I am okay.

But when the people leave, it hits me again, and I just ask the same question Earl and I have been asking God since Thumper. "When will our time of mourning end?"

1 comment: