"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Very cute little cells

Remember how I said I was feeling overly confident and had no nerves?

Not anymore.

Last night and this morning I had a work related crisis which only resolved itself half an hour before the transfer. It really annoyed me, because every transfer I long for a stress free, relaxing day, and every time it doesn't happen. But it's all sorted now. But I suspect my over-reaction to the work issues have so much more to do with the transfer than anything else. It has happened, and I am afraid.

Earl and I have a few little "transfer traditions" (sad we have done so many that this is possible). We pray alot. We usually go out for lunch or coffee straight afterwards. And we usually talk gender- guessing what we think our little baby might be. Earl thinks it's a girl, and so do I, though he wants to wait until Ultra-sound or BFN before confirming. I said "Isn't our little baby so cute?". Earl said, ummm, not really. He's like that. He is the kind of person who is quite comfortable saying a certain baby is ugly (not to the parents of course!). His blanket honesty is actually one of his most endearing qualities believe it or not- he's so funny and straight down the line. He doesn't see the "cute" factor in a Blastocyst. But I do ;)

I have always loved my babies. But I think Thumper has made me even more aware of how incredibly human they are. I know that sounds stupid. But as I looked at the embryo, i thought- this could be my last chance to see my baby before heaven. I'm happy today, not because I think I'm in for a BFP (I'm pretty pessamistic for some reason), but because at least for the moment my baby is alive and inside of me. And that makes me happy.

I want to nick-name this little one "Pearl" because our little one is so precious. But Earl wants to wait until the Ultra sound. "Wait until the Ultra-Sound"- it just shows how different things are because of Thumper. We are actually imagining life past the blood test.

But for all that, I am still pessamistic.
Pessamistic but praying.
PS I know I have spelt Pessamistic wrong- but spell checker isn't working today. So my bad spelling is revealed to the blogging world. Funny story, for the email address for this blog I was surprised hopedeferred was available as an email address. But it was only because I spelt it hopedeffered :)

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