This weekend I felt like a bruise was being pressed.
As I've said previously, Earl and I live away from home. We go and visit our families fairly regularly and this previous weekend was one of those trips. I'm still a bit shocked that I will be moving back permanently next year.
But it was a really, really hard IF weekend.
Firstly, the strange little hard thing was seeing Earl's brother and sister and their spouses.
I absolutely love Earls' family. They are friendly and funny and some of the best company I know. I don't know if I can tell you of people I would rather spend an evening with. I love my family, but I love the intimacy. But with two parents and six kids/spouses in Earl's side it is just loads of fun.
It is particularly special because with Earl's brother getting married their was a sense of the family being finished. Not that people have to get married, but we knew that these were the six people we could be holidaying with and Christmasing with until at least our Grandkids came along.
But I think because of that, because of that sense of the future that I get with these gorgeous brothers/sister, I can't help thinking about if that future will involve kids, or if I will just be Aunty LG and that's all.
The other hard thing was a conversation we had with some friends.
Earl and I have some exciting plans for next year. But two very good, older friends were concerned. Could we haddle doing our big plans if we don't end up with kids? They had seen us last summer so fragile (duh- we had lost Thumper a week before!!!) and they were worried that we weren't going to cope if we remain childless and attempted this project.
It was wise, helpful advice, and it was good to get us to think. But that conversation, on top of an already emotional weekend, has left me feeling so raw. I did not expect to be put on the spot, to have to face discussions of permenant infertility in a cafe overlooking a car-park, with no time to talk to Earl and no time to process before our next meeting with friends.
Sometimes it's only when I feel terrible like this that I realise that most of the time I feel okay. But IF is like a bruise that get pressed regularly with no notice. And it hurts.