I got home from work yesterday just feeling like i couldn't take anything anymore. The problem was, neither could Earl! He had spent the last week comforting me during the day from the phone, comforting me when I got home, comforting me before I went to bed. He said, I'm sorry but I'm really tired. I need to share the load of comforting you with someone else.
At first I was hurt and upset. But after I time I understood. My counsellor had even said that this would happen at times, and that when I realised this I should give her a call. But unfortunately she is away on holidays at the moment.
So I decided to share with my Bible study how I was really feeling.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my lot, particularly the fact that I seem to be caring for and helping so many people and yet what I'm going through is so hard. But one thing I do have is lots of people who love me and support me. Some of the women in my Bible study I have only really known this year. But they are amazing.
I was talking with two of them after the study, after I shared. One is expecting a baby 8 days before Thumpers due date. I should hate her but i just can't. She is just so lovely and real and does an amazing job of being a human being and not just a pregnant women! She told me that she had a misscarriage too and that she hated the world. She and the other girl said they were amazed how joyful and unbitter I was.
I protested, "I'm so angry so much of the time". My pregnant friend said "That's just grief".
"That's just grief". Two little words but how they change my perspective. They remind me of what I've been through. They remind me that when someone has been trying for four years, and then has a miscarriage- it's kind of normal to hate the world. Especially after a BFN.
I still think, despite my sharing, that they haven't seen how angry and bitter I have been. Maybe those who read this blog and Earl are the only ones who really know. But knowing this is "just grief", knowing this is part of the package and knowing that this feeling might pass, is really starting to make me feel better.