I watch a bit of sci-fi TV. Probably too much. It's a guilty pleasure of Earl and I, and I think it's particularly helpful because it's escapism from this journey. One of the shows I watch is Fringe. I'm very aware that it can be a bit gruesome and gross for some, but it's got this fascinating story-line, centered around the idea that there are all these alternate realities in existence. Worlds that exist where things are almost the same, but with slight differences, based on different choices that people have made, or different paths that lead from those choices.
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.
Lady Grey
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, February 13, 2012
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The Story of Loosing Thumper
WARNING- If you are pregnant, best not to read this, it might be upsetting. In fact, no one needs to read this if you don't feel comfortable- this is an exercise for me as much as it is information for anyone else.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Jumbled thoughts of a hormonal hopeful pessamist
My emotions have been playing round and round on themselves these last few days. I haven't exactly been sad, but I haven't been a buddle of joy either. But there has been lots of thinking I'd like to share with you.
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
I was reflecting today, it might feel like from my blog sometimes that I am always sad all the time. It's just not true. Today I watched some sport with Earl, went to a friends kids birthday party, and did some fun knitting projects. The truth is, I have a pretty lovely life most of the time, with a really, really hard and painful thing in the middle of all the loveliness.
Thursday was an exhausting day. Blood test in the morning, and good news that I could go ahead with the injections then next day, Yay! That evening I had two big conversations. In the first one, someone was asking me about my plans when I move home in terms of work. I gave an answer. Then she very sensitively asked about the kids thing. Not in a butting in way, just in a sensitive way. And I told her "We don't know if we'll ever be able to have kids". Even after I said it, I was a bit shocked. Normally I am alot more positive when I talk about our struggles. I don't ever say 'ever'. But I think it highlighted some of processes my brain has been going through this week.
I had been musing the day before that often my fear of the "never ever" question overwhelms me, and so it almost feels like I need to face it head on.
Basically, the fear of facing life without kids is almost more overwhelming than facing life without kids.
I wanted to start thinking that possibility through, to perhaps ease some of the fear that had been lurking in my mind.
So I guess all my thinking about this lead me to answer in such a pessamistic way. Which was strange and emotional- to be at the place to say that. Not sad. Just strange and emotional.
Second conversation: I was approached by someone I hadn't seen properly for 8 months. She came up to me to apologise. You see, when I had told her about my miscarriage she had responded, "That's so great that you can get pregnant". It was one of those terrible things to say, that at the time didn't upset me, though I was aware that in a different mood I would have been furious and upset. She had obviously been thinking about it and she apologies. Even though she hadn't upset me, I was so pleased that she was aware of how uphelpful she had been, and wouldn't do such a thing again.
But all in all, it was an emotional day.
And the following day I started my FSH injections. And I felt really positive about this cycle, for the first time since it started.
I almost feel like I am hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Hopeful that this cycle could be "the one" but also aware that we might never have children.
Weird.
Crazy hormonal lady- signing out :)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
One day to go
I'm home sick.
I've been home sick for four days now. It is very unlike me. I can't remember the last time I was out for the count like this. It's a tummy bug, which is frustrating because my mind is normal and functioning, I'm just really tired and feeling ordinary. Now that it's Sunday my lovely Earl has headed off for a full day at church, and I am stuck here at home by-myself :( Not a pleasant way for an extrovert to spend her day.
It's been a strangely anti-climactic way to approach Thumpers Due date tomorrow.
In some ways I feel like I did my morning last week. Last week was the time when I did my falling apart, my I can't copes, my Why God Why? moments.
Now is this strange time of feeling very close to my dear boy, of wishing he was here but for once not being able to imagine it. Because if he was here he probably wouldn't be a baby bump anymore. He would he HERE, on the outside. And that just seems so far away, so much harder to imagine. I actually find it much easier to picture meeting him in heaven than to picture giving birth to him. Perhaps that means I'm learning to accept what has happened.
I wondering if I will now stop praying that God will go back in time and give him life? I haven't been able to stop praying that the whole 7 months since he died.
Last night I held the Ultra Sound photo and cried a little. I told him how much I wished he could stay, told him how much his mother loved him and how much I would have adored giving so much of the rest of my life to caring for him.
Ironically, Earl and i had penciled in tomorrow night for a special commemorative/being sad dinner. Hopefully my stomach will be up for it, but I'm just not sure.
I've got an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. I was hoping to meet her earlier so we could talk about strategies in dealing with Thumper's due date, but in some ways it's kind of nice to talk to her on the day.
I've actually been feeling alot more peace this second half of this week. Not happy. Just peaceful, a little more accepting.
Please pray for us. Tomorrow is a big day.
LG
I've been home sick for four days now. It is very unlike me. I can't remember the last time I was out for the count like this. It's a tummy bug, which is frustrating because my mind is normal and functioning, I'm just really tired and feeling ordinary. Now that it's Sunday my lovely Earl has headed off for a full day at church, and I am stuck here at home by-myself :( Not a pleasant way for an extrovert to spend her day.
It's been a strangely anti-climactic way to approach Thumpers Due date tomorrow.
In some ways I feel like I did my morning last week. Last week was the time when I did my falling apart, my I can't copes, my Why God Why? moments.
Now is this strange time of feeling very close to my dear boy, of wishing he was here but for once not being able to imagine it. Because if he was here he probably wouldn't be a baby bump anymore. He would he HERE, on the outside. And that just seems so far away, so much harder to imagine. I actually find it much easier to picture meeting him in heaven than to picture giving birth to him. Perhaps that means I'm learning to accept what has happened.
I wondering if I will now stop praying that God will go back in time and give him life? I haven't been able to stop praying that the whole 7 months since he died.
Last night I held the Ultra Sound photo and cried a little. I told him how much I wished he could stay, told him how much his mother loved him and how much I would have adored giving so much of the rest of my life to caring for him.
Ironically, Earl and i had penciled in tomorrow night for a special commemorative/being sad dinner. Hopefully my stomach will be up for it, but I'm just not sure.
I've got an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. I was hoping to meet her earlier so we could talk about strategies in dealing with Thumper's due date, but in some ways it's kind of nice to talk to her on the day.
I've actually been feeling alot more peace this second half of this week. Not happy. Just peaceful, a little more accepting.
Please pray for us. Tomorrow is a big day.
LG
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Looking hopeful
Timing is looking great!
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
As of yesterday I still hadn't ovulated so it is looking really great that we will have a transfer next week. Yay! I am really hoping I ovulate today- because we are flying interstate tomorrow evening, and if for some reason they want me in for a blood test on Saturday we will have to cancel our flight. Which of course we are willing to do (my gorgeous parent's are paying for the flight, and got us to book it anyway, saying they are more than happy to cover the cost of any IVF related changes).
The nurses keep saying "Your almost there", so I'm assuming that we will get the go ahead today- and have a transfer on Tuesday- :)
So very, very, very thankful to God for this answered prayer, for this good thing. As I said in a previous post, I do often feel like the worst seems to happen, and it's nice to be reminded that this is not always the case, and that God does give us good things.
We will transfer one. Please pray that our little one survives the defrosting process well!
In other news, In Bible study group we are each bringing in something that is precious to share with the group, as a way of getting to know each other (most of the group didn't know each other at the start of the year). I brought in my ultra-sound picture of Thumper, and shared about him. I was so nervous, I wasn't sure if I should share it (particularly because most people had brought in fairly fun, non-serious precious things). But Earl thought it would be a good thing to do (for me and for the group) and it really was. Several of the girls cried, they prayed for me, and a new group of people got to learn about our special baby. One of the girls emailed me thanks, she had lost a baby to and she really appreciated me sharing.
And in some lovely timing- we were actually looking at Proverbs and Friendship in Bible study and covered the Proverb: "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart". (Proverbs 25:20). This verse has proven true for me through this process, and I think it was really helpful to the girls in my group for me to be able to give an example of how true this Proverb was.
So overall, I am feeling very thankful. I know the nerves will kick in, and I never, ever enjoy the 2ww. But I have hope.
LG
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Summer of Death- Praying for an Autumn (Fall) of life
Earl and I have titled this the summer of death.
Yesterday Earl and I went to a joint funeral for his Nanny and Papa. Nanny died on Valentines day. Papa died early yesterday morning, though we had known for the 24 hours before that he was no far from death (he had cancer and after Nanny's death he decided to stop treatment). This means that from November to Feburary- Earl has gone from all his Granparents being alive, to only one left.
And including precious Thumper- we have experienced 4 deaths of those we care about in a 4 month period.
It has been the worst Summer of my life, excluding those precious happy weeks when Thumper was with us.
We are praying hard. Praying for an Autumn/Fall that brings life!
In other news, my husband has put me on a facebook ban because our friends have just gotten pregnant and in his words are doing "lots of funny things" on facebook about it. I felt a little sad last night (particularly because they know we are trying, they know about Thumper, but they still didn't tell us personally). But I'm actually okay. Which is definately progress, Yay!
I spent the morning tea after the funeral entertaining the most precious little girl (nearly 2). She would hide her toes and I would cry, "where's your toes" then she would bring them out and I would tickle them and she laughed and laughed. Because she is a relative, I wonder if our daughter if we have one will look like her. It was a strangely, comforting, hopeful thought.
It was a beautiful funeral, one of hope. It reminded me that even though I am in such pain, one day I will be with Jesus. In the sea of doubt and pain that this summer has been, that is a timely reminder.
Please Father. An Autumn of life.
LG
Yesterday Earl and I went to a joint funeral for his Nanny and Papa. Nanny died on Valentines day. Papa died early yesterday morning, though we had known for the 24 hours before that he was no far from death (he had cancer and after Nanny's death he decided to stop treatment). This means that from November to Feburary- Earl has gone from all his Granparents being alive, to only one left.
And including precious Thumper- we have experienced 4 deaths of those we care about in a 4 month period.
It has been the worst Summer of my life, excluding those precious happy weeks when Thumper was with us.
We are praying hard. Praying for an Autumn/Fall that brings life!
In other news, my husband has put me on a facebook ban because our friends have just gotten pregnant and in his words are doing "lots of funny things" on facebook about it. I felt a little sad last night (particularly because they know we are trying, they know about Thumper, but they still didn't tell us personally). But I'm actually okay. Which is definately progress, Yay!
I spent the morning tea after the funeral entertaining the most precious little girl (nearly 2). She would hide her toes and I would cry, "where's your toes" then she would bring them out and I would tickle them and she laughed and laughed. Because she is a relative, I wonder if our daughter if we have one will look like her. It was a strangely, comforting, hopeful thought.
It was a beautiful funeral, one of hope. It reminded me that even though I am in such pain, one day I will be with Jesus. In the sea of doubt and pain that this summer has been, that is a timely reminder.
Please Father. An Autumn of life.
LG
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Update on next steps
I've actually had a good day today. Been a while. Just really been struggling. Earl's Grandma died on Tuesday and the shock of it has really sent me off the edge. Really cannot cope with one more horrible hard thing right now! But a really lovely Bible study today has really helped to put my mind back together for at least the moment.
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
So I thought I'd record where we are at.
Nurses at the hospital have recommended I have two periods before we begin again, so I am waiting on number one at the moment. It's been 5 weeks since the actual misscarriage, but only two weeks since my body has been free of pregnancy hormones so I am not sure what to expect in terms of waiting. Given the length of time it is taking, we will probably see our doctor before my second period, as our appointment is on the 15th of March. Hopefully there we will make a decision whether to try a more natural cycle (timing transfer around ovulation with very little chemical intervention involved) or the standard full-meds frozen cycle.
March the 15th seems so far away (though at least it's Feb so its less than it sounds). The waiting has been so horrible. I have never, never, never wanted a baby more or struggled with infertillity more than I have in the last two months. March seems so far away.
I don't think I can take another two months like the last two. And if it doesn't happen...
I am scared of this next cycle but I want to be there. I want a baby. I miss Thumper so much, and I suspect nothing will ever change that. But in another baby there might be healing.
Please Father!
LG
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