Yesterday was pretty overwhelming in terms of IF stuff. I don't regret any of it, but I am glad i don't have those days every day.
As I've talked about on this blog, BFF is pregnant, and so far, I've actually been coping with it okay. BFF is one of those people who now that she is pregnant, that is all she can think about and talk about, and she tries not to, and its gets kind of awkward and a little bit comical. Anyway, we were having a catch up yesterday, and I was nervous because I wasn't in a good place, and also because I had a nursing appointment just beforehand.
The nursing appointment was great. It was really great. The nurse had sat down with our doctor before our appointment and talked through what was best to do, given we have had so many unsuccessful cycles. One, we are doing an antagonist cycle, which means not only is it different than we've tried before (and different is good!) but it is also a sign that our doctor is really looking into our case. The other big change is my meds. He is uping the anti! I'm actually going to be on twice as many units of stimulator than I was in my first cycle. That is a bit scary, but he will be monitoring things, and he is one of the leading experts in the country, and again: SOMETHING DIFFERENT. For the first time in a while I felt good about this cycle.
So I went into meeting with BFF, thinking things would be okay.
The problem is, it doesn't solve the underlying plaguing problem that has been going on. That I don't envisage that I can live a good life without kids. That I look into the future with this bleakness that takes my breath away. As I talked about this, I got more and more depressed, and I ended up saying something which she interpreted as me saying that God sent her baby to hurt me.
She was not happy with this, and kind of snapped at me- defending both God and her baby. Then we spent the next hour talking around the issue, and it was awkward and weird and I knew our friendship could survive it, but I was feeling sick and sorry. I felt half bad about what I'd said, and half annoyed at her because I was going through such a hard time and it was the first insensitive thing I had said in her whole pregnancy and couldn't she just give me that?
Anyway, the conversation wasn't going anywhere, we were both feeling uncomfortable and we both can't leave things unresolved I had driven her home and we were just sitting in the car. It felt like a real cross roads in our relationship, and in a weird way, with my relationship with God. Because I was blaming him, blaming him that my life could just be so hard and so bad and it felt like he had given me that and I didn't know why. And I knew theoretically that he promised to look after me and care for me, and provide all my needs, but I just couldn't see that in a babyless future.
One thing I think I might have read in CS Lewis, though I'm not sure, is that one of the best ways to manufacture love in your heart is to show love. To act in a loving way, even if you don't feel it. At that moment, I knew what I needed to do.
For the first time in this five year struggle I put my hand on a pregnant belly that wasn't my own. I put my hand on BFFs belly and I prayed for her baby. I thanked God for it, I prayed for its health, I asked God to help her to feel okay about things. And as I prayed, love welled in my heart, for both God and the baby, and in a weird way I realised "I can do this. I can get through this".
And then BFF and I went into her house, and things were normal again. She talked about maternity pants, and I talked about IVF and marriage and life and it was normal again.
I don't know what my future holds. But I just have to remind myself that God will be there and will take care of me.
"Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.
Therefore, we may boldly say:
The Lord is my helper;
I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5-6