The morning after our first initial appointment I got AF. In the lead up to IVF treatment, I always pray desperately to just get pregnant naturally. Now more than ever because things are just so hard. I know its terrible, but this next IVF just seems like a waste of time, it feels like we are just punching at the wind. Earl doesn't feel like that, he feels like we are still a real chance.
(incidentally, Earl has been talking about "Getting a little sister for Thumper". I love that. In fact, when he says that is the the only time I feel hopeful about things)
So i was incredibly devastated. And hormonal for what followed.
We had a follow up nurses appointment that day. The counsellor had told us that we could just tell the nurse that we were changing streams and not doing the Genetic testing. But when we rocked up, we found out this nurse only did Genetic testing appointments, and so see couldn't help us! We would have to make another nurses appointment, next Friday
And when I asked if I could start things this cycle, since I had my period that day, I was told "No, it would be irresponsible for us to start you before you'd seen the nurse to explain how to inject yourself".
I'VE BEEN INJECTING MYSELF FOR NEARLY THREE BLOOMING YEARS!!!
Anyway, I totally over-reacted. And we have another month to wait :(
I hate AF. Not just the not pregnant thing, but the fact that all the pain of not-pregnantness is compounded by pain and hormones. I lay in bed last night at 3am, not able to sleep because of some cramping, and just thinking over and over about how horrific infertility is.
Needless to say, I need to make an appointment and find a new counsellor (the one we saw on Wednesday is retiring in four weeks- more bad timing). I was in a really, really, really bad place last night. Appreciate any one's prayers if they can, I just need some more hope and clarity- I'm walking around in a whirl of very bad thoughts.
SIL baby shower tomorrow. I've actually been coping well, I've even made a cake (I might put up a photo when it's finished- it's so cute!). But since AF everything seems just so very hard.