I watch a bit of sci-fi TV. Probably too much. It's a guilty pleasure of Earl and I, and I think it's particularly helpful because it's escapism from this journey. One of the shows I watch is Fringe. I'm very aware that it can be a bit gruesome and gross for some, but it's got this fascinating story-line, centered around the idea that there are all these alternate realities in existence. Worlds that exist where things are almost the same, but with slight differences, based on different choices that people have made, or different paths that lead from those choices.
I don't believe this is the case, but I was discussing the Parallel Universe idea with my therapist the other day.
Ever since the miscarriage, I feel like I've been living one life and watching another.
When I lost Thumper, I would look out at other pregnant women and think "that could be me". I thought that would end when his due date passed. But it didn't. Suddenly there was this alternate Universe that I could just see behind a veil. There she was, lets call her Lady Pink. Lady Pink had a baby Thumper who lived. Lady Pink was excited when SIL got pregnant because now Thumper would have a cousin, and she had already produced the first grandchild. Lady Pink didn't have a SSP, or a failed IVF cycle, or take a pregnancy test after throwing up only to find out it was nothing. Lady Pink squealed with delight when her BFF was pregnant. Lady Pink wasn't told by a doctor to consider donation or surrogacy. Lady Pink wasn't setting up a study in her new house, she was setting out Thumper's things. Lady Pink has her trials, same as everyone, but she has Thumper. And as I looked at a friends baby photos, whose son was born in the same month as Thumper, I can see what I'm missing out on.
Of course, I know there is no Lady Pink. It's just the idea of might-have-been haunts me, like I never have experienced. I have had the worst 6 months of my life (its funny isn't it, I think the miscarriage itself was really, really bad, but it was after Thumpers due date that I began not to handle it)- and it feels like they were unnecessary. I should have kept Thumper.
I talked to my Therapist, asking when will I get over this. She said, wisely, maybe Miscarriages aren't things that you get over. Maybe they change you. She also mentioned that I was dealing with IF on top of miscarriage, and that separating the two in my mind might be helpful.
Ironically I am feeling hopeful for the first time this year. Really hopeful. We have a meeting with the doctor, and I am hoping, hoping that he doesn't take that hope away but has some suggestions and help for us. Hardly believing, but still dreaming, that next month I will have the BFP of my dreams.
But I still miss my Thumper.