Processing the News

It's been a very, very hard nearly 42 hours.

I got my first site of bleeding during a dinner with friends. It was all I could do to smile and be polite through it when I really wanted to go to bed and howl! But they left and I told Earl and we cried together.

Day 2 I got the heavy bleeding and knew there was no hope. It was a tough day, I had organised to see my SIL and nephew and was trying to decide if it would help or hinder. It helped. Nephew is such a treasure! As I looked at him, I thought to myself "This is worth it. Even though this path is hard, it is worth it to create someone precious like this". I felt detirmined. Though Earl pointed out when I told him this, no matter how detirmined we are or how hard we try, that doesn't gareentee us a baby.

Today was really tough. It was an emotional day anyway, moving my Grandmother's piano to my house, as she and Pa are moving into a retirement villiage. Earl has been a trooper. Rediculous numbers of cuddles, lovely words, even flowers. I am feeling very sad, but very loved.

We named our babies Alfred and Ian- the first and middle names of Earl's Pa who passed away two weeks ago. I love the idea of them all meeting in heaven. But I wish they could have stayed.

We have one embryo left from this cycle, and can decide this week if we want to go straight in or wait. I think I want to go straight in. I've also booked an appointment with my doc next week so we can talk about this cycle and the future.

Earl feels like now is not the time to give up on genetic children. I suspect (if the doctor agrees) we might do one more fresh cycle, before exploring embryo adoption. Of course, I want our last little one to make it and for there to be no future cycles to think about for a while, but it's hard to be positive after a week like this.
LG