There is a very memorable episode of the Television Series "The Gilmore Girls".
Luke and Loreli, after a million years of friendship and 4 seasons, finally start dating. On their first date, Luke reminds Loreli of the first time they met in his cafe. He reminds her of the horoscope she ripped out of the paper to show him. He then opens up his wallet and pulls that same horiscope out. He had kept it, in his wallet, from the moment he met her. Loreli is in shock.
Then Luke says: "I guess what I'm trying to say is...I'm all in".
It's a very romatic moment.
I've been thinking about that alot with the twins. Because from the moment I saw the two heart-beats that has been my feeling. I'm all in.
After I lost Thumper I remember being really annoyed at myself. I had been so committed, so confident. So happy. So naive. I was so angry that I had not prepared myself for the possibility of loosing him.
But now that I am back in that place, I realise that it wasn't naivity. It was love.
It's not that I'm not aware that I can loose these babies. We are sitting in the week where Thumpers heart stopped beating, and next week is the week when we found out.
But I love them so much I just can't think like that. I'm all in. These are my babies and I love them and I just can't bear the thought of loosing them. So I don't think like that. I just imagine them growing and thriving and joining my family. It's all I can do.
I'm all in.