I had a rather long D&M on the phone with my best friend yesterday. That is how it goes with us. It's pretty funny. She will call to organise a catch up, we will talk for 45 minutes, then catch up the following day and talk for 2 hours more. That is what we are like. We are both big talkers (she probably wins the race, but I give it a red hot go), we've known each other for over 10 years, and we can share most things. It's super lovely.
But it is really interesting to get an "outsiders" perspective on me in pregnancy. Especially one who has watched me these last 6 years. She commented to me that I wasn't like she expected me to be. She couldn't put her finger on what it was, but she just said that it felt a little bit to her like once I was pregnant it was like IF didn't matter anymore, and that this was not what she expected.
She wasn't saying that IF hadn't affected my view of this pregnancy. She could see that it had. But I think she didn't expect me to enjoy being pregnant as much as I am. Maybe because she spent her whole pregnancy worried, she thought I would do the same.
It was interesting to think about me, and how I navigate these strange waters of actually being pregnant. And like her, it is different, and I am different than I expected.
Sometimes it's like nothings changed. When someone says something offensive to IFers, either on facebook or on the news, my hackles go up and I am mad. It's almost as if nothing is different, I hurt for IFers who are still in the trenches but I hurt for me too, the old me. And I am different. I don't know what I would have been like had I got pregnant right away, but I don't think I'd be waking up every morning, reaching for my belly to check if it's still there, marvelling that I'm pregnant. I don't think I'd be as worried or paranoid when I go too long without a kick from BH (Dancer is living up to his/her name and doesn't keep me wondering if he/she is still around). I wouldn't feel chills all over whenever I think of our next scan. I wouldn't be morning Thumper. And I definitely wouldn't be as overwhelming thankful as I am right now.
But there are things that I do that I never thought I would. I spend my morning trawling baby forums. I look through instigram looking at twin photos and at Baby shower ideas (I'm not even organising my own for crying out loud!). And while I'm very careful not to bore people with baby talk all the time, for those who want to hear it and care (like my family, my SIL, my BFF), I talk about it all the time. And I was so sure I wasn't going to be like that.
And I always felt ill when people said things like "It was worth the wait". It seemed like it trivialised the pain I was feeling. And I still do a bit. And I will never look back and be happy about loosing Thumper or all those heart breaking BFFs. But it does feel like the happiness of now is flowing back, colouring and changing the way I think about the last 6 years. And even though I'm ashamed of it, I can't deny that it's happening.
The truth is, I don't really know how to be a Pregnant IFer. I don't know how to act, I don't know how to feel, and I definitely don't know how to write on this blog.
I don't know if I should be apologising for this. I guess I'm just saying I don't know. So if I do things that are offensive or hard, I'm sorry. I honestly think very hard about what I write, but I still don't know that fine line between being honest and excited, and also sensitive and helpful. I'm sure I fail every time.
But I am trying. These are just very strange waters.