Shadow over everything

Vaguely pulling myself together again, though still finding things hard.

Strangely, one of the hardest things has been conversations with my parents. This negative has hit them really hard, I think because they knew the timing of the transfer and were more aware of what was going on. They keep asking "The doctors can't tell you anything about why it didn't work?". It is hard to explain to them that you just don't always know why a good embryo doesn't stay. I think it hit my mother hard because up to this point we've been expecting to have a child interstate, away from my parents. But because we are moving to my hometown next year, this baby would have been born near my parents. I think Mum was more excited for that reason, so more disappointed as well.

It's so hard. So many pregnant people in my life. So many bellies that scream out "This is what you would have had if Thumper had lived". It is so completely unbearable.

And Thumper has given us hope that I can get pregnant and yet I haven't . So once again my heart is sick with disappointment. Sick with dreams that don't come true.

There have been good things happening this week. Great conversations, fun with Earl. But this shadow covers everything. I know as his month progresses I will feel better. But only to feel worse again as once again I jump into this last cycle. We had so much hope for these three embryos! The idea that they all might not make it is so unfair.

Is my baby ever going to come?
LG