As part of my natural cycle the doctors have given me one progesterone pessarie to insert once a day. It's not a big dose, just something to help things along. Anyway, I take it at 11pm, which means that sometimes I'll go to bed early and my alarm will go off on my phone to let me know that I need to get up, go down stairs to the fridge, get out a pressary, and then go back upstairs.
Last night I woke up at 3:30am and realised, I couldn't remember putting it in!
I rushed down stairs and counted my pessaries in the fridge. I was pretty sure the number suggested I hadn't put it in, but I wasn't sure.
And um (this is the TMI part) phyically there was more mosixture than I would expect if I hadn't put it in.
I didn't know what to do! I had evidence that I had and evidence that I hadn't.
Poor Earl was woken up, but he was no help. He couldn't remember if I'd gotten up. I knew it was possible that I got up and put it in but was so tired I didn't recall it, but I didn't want to take a chance.
I decided to go with the physical signs and not do anything, but to go to the clinic first thing in the morning to get their advice.
But I lay in bed for at least an hour asking "Have I killed my baby?".
I hate, hate, hate, hate the idea that my baby might be being kept alive by medicine that by my own stupidity or just circumstances I might not take. It is just so much pressure and so hard.
Last night at Bible study someone commented on one girls growing baby belly. The girl looked embarrassed and said "I'm not doing anything, it just happens"
But for me it doesn't just happen, it takes Meds, and the idea that my precious baby might be dead because my alarm might not have woken me up was unbearable.
I went to the clinic and the nurse told me it was okay, but to go home and put in a pessary just in case. Too much won't hurt, and as my body is still making it's own progesterone it should be alright with the morning dose added in to tide me over until tonight.
I feel like an incredible weight has been lifted off.
I don't know what the point of this post is except that IVF is hard and its hard in ways that they don't tell you in books or in your doctors appointments.
5 days until beta