I'm home sick.
I've been home sick for four days now. It is very unlike me. I can't remember the last time I was out for the count like this. It's a tummy bug, which is frustrating because my mind is normal and functioning, I'm just really tired and feeling ordinary. Now that it's Sunday my lovely Earl has headed off for a full day at church, and I am stuck here at home by-myself :( Not a pleasant way for an extrovert to spend her day.
It's been a strangely anti-climactic way to approach Thumpers Due date tomorrow.
In some ways I feel like I did my morning last week. Last week was the time when I did my falling apart, my I can't copes, my Why God Why? moments.
Now is this strange time of feeling very close to my dear boy, of wishing he was here but for once not being able to imagine it. Because if he was here he probably wouldn't be a baby bump anymore. He would he HERE, on the outside. And that just seems so far away, so much harder to imagine. I actually find it much easier to picture meeting him in heaven than to picture giving birth to him. Perhaps that means I'm learning to accept what has happened.
I wondering if I will now stop praying that God will go back in time and give him life? I haven't been able to stop praying that the whole 7 months since he died.
Last night I held the Ultra Sound photo and cried a little. I told him how much I wished he could stay, told him how much his mother loved him and how much I would have adored giving so much of the rest of my life to caring for him.
Ironically, Earl and i had penciled in tomorrow night for a special commemorative/being sad dinner. Hopefully my stomach will be up for it, but I'm just not sure.
I've got an appointment with my counsellor tomorrow. I was hoping to meet her earlier so we could talk about strategies in dealing with Thumper's due date, but in some ways it's kind of nice to talk to her on the day.
I've actually been feeling alot more peace this second half of this week. Not happy. Just peaceful, a little more accepting.
Please pray for us. Tomorrow is a big day.