Playing games

3 days until beta

It is facinating watching my mind and my emotions playing games as we head towards another beta.

After the drama's of the other night, as I lay in bed imagining the possibility of loosing a baby because of my own stupidity, I was so sure that I was pregnant.

And even though there isn't any real evidence to suggest this is the case, the feeling is continuing on and I am filled with strange optomism and hope about Monday's test.

And it is such a lovely feeling I'm contimplating whether I should nip it in the bud so as to not be disappointed with a BFN, or to just ride it and see what happens

I have been getting light cramping all week, even before my dramatic night. I would assume it was a bad sign, but I can't work out why on a natural cycle before being anywhere near day 28, I would be getting cramping. So i don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign or just progesterone working it's magic.

My belly is definately more bloated than normal. But who knows what that means?

One of the things that I find so strange about this blog, is that these are things I am not telling anyone else- not even Earl because I don't want to get him hopeful or depressed (generally he gets through the 2ww by just trying not to think about it until the last moment). I didn't tell my prayer buddies, because neither of them know we are doing IVF. I haven't told my family or my BFF, because we like to keep the timing of the cycle a secret so we can choose ourselves when to reveal good or bad news.

But you lovely ladies who read this blog don't know the colour of my eyes, or what foods I love, what non-baby dreams i have for the future, or Earl's real name. It is a strangely intimate, and yet removed. Facinating.

But I am so thankful to have you guys along for the ride. I used to feel so alone on this journey but I'm so glad to have so many who understand this crazy world.
love you guys!
LG