"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Sunday, April 7, 2013

A weirdly emotional weekend

Well, we have reached 30 weeks.  I've been hanging out for this time for so long.  But the truth is, it's been a really emotional weekend.  Not necessarily bad, not necessarily good, just emotional.  I'm a little bit more nervous for my boys than I was, though it comes and it goes.  But I should explain.

As I stated in my last post, I had been in the hospital on Thursday, had a cold and had not slept well on Thursday night, and woke up on Friday to 30 weeks, and my first trip to the hospital without Earl.

Earl was instead catching a train and a bus to the airport, to fly to Sydney for 4 days.  It is a kinda work trip, but with lots of lovely catch ups with our old Sydney friends.  I know if I had gone it would have been too much, not just because its too far along for me to fly, but also because social things tire me out.  But I was still sad to be missing out.

I arrived at the hospital, and I didn't see our doctor.  Now just to explain, for the last two appointments I had also not seen my doctor, he had been on holidays.  But the day before, waiting at emergency, I saw him walk past and heaved a sigh of relief because he was back, and with him back we could finally start talking about the next 8 weeks and what they might involve.  He also knows our history, and I trust him.

But when my name was called it was a new doctor.  She was nice.  But I didn't know her.  I didn't trust her. And I was so disappointed she wasn't our normal doctor I was already feeling a bit funny.

She did the heart beats (perfect) and checked my blood pressure.  She asked about the emergency stay and saw that everything was good.  Then she looked at the last scan.

"wow, one of your babies is very little" she said.  I tried to explain that he had always been little, that the U/S doctor had not worried because it was such an unclear scan, but the doctor was still concerned and said "We might need you to start coming in for two Doppler's a week.

I felt ill.  It wasn't that I definitely thought there was a problem.  It's just that every health professional I had seen in the last week and a half had not been worried about Dancer and suddenly this doctor who I didn't know was worried and I didn't know how to process this.

She went on to say that it was clear that even if he was small, he was very healthy.  She said that I could scan on Wednesday, and then if he hadn't picked up, then we would move to more monitoring.  I couldn't read if she she was worried or not.  I couldn't BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HER.

As I left the room she said "See you soon" and I wanted to yell back "I don't want to see you soon, I want to see my doctor".  I knew when I went into this that as a public patient I wouldn't always get my doctor, but with twins they do their best for you to see the same person.  I'm just scared that they are going to switch me over.  I was a bit teary by the time I booked my next appointment, so I didn't think to specifically ask for my normal Doc.  But I'm going to get my more assertive Earl to go through and ask on Wednesday before our scan.

Anyway, I called Earl in tears.  After he calmed down (I always freak him out when I call in tears), he didn't sound too worried, and it made me feel better.  But I just kept saying, "I needed you there"  I needed a second opinion, a comforting hand, someone to help me deal with the news.  Over the phone just wasn't enough.

I started putting myself back together, and was about to get in the lift when Earl called me back.  He was in a panic.  He had brought his keys to the airport, when we needed them to get into the hall we hire for church.  So he asked me to drive to the airport and pick them up.

Now remember, I was already tired, already emotional, and now I was facing a 2 hour round trip to pick up some keys.

It was not a good day.

Thankfully, I had organised to spend the weekend with my parents.  Dad came and picked me up after I got back from the airport.  I talked to Dad about the appointment and felt better.  I got home and Mum set me up on the couch with some lovely low GI snacks she had made especially.  My parents live a little way out of town in a beautiful house on a lovely big block of land.  The house just speak to me of holidays.  It was just what I needed.

Saturday was spent relaxing, eating, and sorting through baby clothes.  My parents are so excited and none of us ever get tired of talking about the boys.  And I began to calm down.  I don't know what will happen to my boys, whether they will need an early exit or if they will stay in.  But as Dad said, all you really care about is what's best for them.  And we will make that call.  Yes, if they come out early they might need special care.  But isn't that so much better than the alternative?  And afterall, we are thirty weeks.  With a little special care they should be fine.

Dancer also decided to have a very active Saturday/Sunday, which was just what I needed.  He is no way as active as his brother (and he is in a less conducive position for kicks), but he is moving.  A healthy but little baby.  That is what I keep telling myself.

So was it a good weekend?  Yes, I think it was.  But it was also an emotional and stressful one.

Earl is back Tuesday night.  I'm so glad that is our last time apart before the boys arrive.
I'm just not very strong on my own.


  1. I know it has to be scary to hear this doctor say those things about Dancer, but does she know all the odds this little guy has already beat? Your little guy is like David verses Goliath.

  2. Exactly! He does have an awesome fighting spirit :)