Lying in bed last night, I found myself wondering how I could get to sleep. I felt the wallowing thoughts overtaking me. The feeling so wretched about our situation. The anger at God. The shame that I could not be happy for my friend.
But I knew I needed to sleep, that I couldn't wallow, so I repeated phrases from my counsellor
Your Friends pregnancy does not in any way affect your own chances of getting pregnant
Of course, when she said that, she wasn't talking about this friend. But it helped. And slowly I began to think helpful thoughts.
It's funny, because I've already had the reality in my head that not everyone gets to have a baby. And in every group of people there will be someone who can't and doesn't. I guess when I first heard my long term IF friends news my imediate thought was "Oh no, we are going to be THE ONES". Earl calmly pulled apart the logic of this, and I realised how silly it was. I also realised that we still have 3 friends without kids who have been trying for a long time, so even if it was true (which its not) its still not grounds for an overreaction.
I had a lady in my church who never had kids. She said she had a friend who also couldn't have kids and she prayed that God would give her friend a child, even if it meant he wouldn't give one to her. God answered that prayer. I'm not sure it is the right way to pray, but I still am amazed. I don't know if I could give up having a baby myself, even for my closest friends.
But if I could for anyone, it would be this lady. She and her husband have had the roughest time- rejected by his family for their cross-racial marriage, with her own family falling apart. She has found IF so very hard and have been very lonely and scared. And I choose to be happy for her, even if it's really hard.
So yay for progress! Of course, in the last 30 minutes I have also just heard of three other pregnancies. It's so extreme it is actually quite funny.
And you know what? I actually feeling positive that one day I can make my own announcement as well.