Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.
I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.
And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).
When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.
I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.
And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG
I can relate times about a million!!!! I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out the right formula for getting God to give me a baby... I always know that's not the way it works, but I've still done it more than I care to admit. It is normal to go through all this. It's not really who you are, but it is a phase you're going through. I'm so glad you're seeking help for it. When I was at my worst, I waited too long to get help, and I regret I didn't do it sooner.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot of things happening at once, you know - even though move, which you're looking forward to - can't help but add stress. Moving is always stressful, even when it's what you want. That on top of the news, and your own grief and probably a lot of other changes... it's an awful lot, so don't be hard on yourself.
Prayers and much love!!!!