"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Looking back, looking forward

It has actually been a really lovely week. We have had great time with friends, Earl has finally finished his studies, and I've been in a pretty good place.

A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.

Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.

But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.

Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.

We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.

So that possibility made me a bit shaky.

I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.

On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.

Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.

I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.

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