"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Stoped and Still

As we approach 5 years of trying, there are huge differences in my attitude to when we started. It think I'm reflecting on this alot because of two people I know who are starting ARTs for the first time, one is doing IVF and one is doing IUI. The IUI person is not a close friend, and she is being crazy open, she has told all nine hundred of her friends on facebook! I find it really hard to read her posts, she is so certain she will get pregnant- and she is probably right. Most people I know do!

But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.

things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.

Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.

Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.

WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.

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