"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Oposite ends- and my dream

Hi Friends,
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!

Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.

At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.

She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.

Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.

She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".

It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.

Anyway- onto the dream.

I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.

Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.

The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.

I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.

But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.


  1. I'm glad you are feeling better. It's amazing how infertility can make us so tough, stronger than we ever thought we could be.

  2. I am glad to hear you're doing better. Have been thinking of you a lot.