"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life" Proverbs 13:12

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Sensitive moments

Family agents are always a little scary when you struggle with IF. When you add in a very obviously pregnant sister-in-law, it can b a little daunting. But my experience is that usually the worst case scenarios don't happen.


We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)

Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.

Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.

The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)

I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.

Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.

Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)

1 comment:

  1. Amen, Lady Grey!!! I hope you had a lovely Thankgsiving!!! Pumpkin pie is definitely something to be thankful for!! Esp if there's real whipped cream w/ it! Mmm! :-) As usual, I definitely can identify w/ you! Last year at Ar's Thanksgiving w/ his family, who I almost never see b/c they're on the east coast and we're in Minnesota, I totally had a breakdown b/c of them being unintentionally insensitive and intrusive and me being too sensitive. It was awful. But - oh well... what can ya do? We're just us and as much as our hubbies adore us, they do not have to deal w/ the crazy hormones on top of all the other stress and expectations. It's just different for them. So... don't be hard on yourself. I haven't been on here the last couple weeks cuz of busyness, but I'm still praying for you!!!

    Oh - and I've never heard of "clucky" before! :-) ♥ '