Last night was a dark time.
When I add up all the bits that made me upset, they seem trivial, but it was all real to me. We had invited friends round for dinner, but we are now going to our friends house for dinner, because they have a 1 year old who needs to sleep in his own bed. We love having people round for dinner, and we never do, because all our friends have children. We were both so very disappointed, and it seems to just be one other stark reminder of our childless state.
Earl and I had a little fight about house cleaning. I have been on tender hooks all week, angry and snappy at nothing. I felt terrible about how I acted, and the guilt and the fight were part of it.
SIL went into hospital last night. I can't tell you how excited and happy I have been in the lead up to meeting my nephew. All the jealousy and pain was gone. Until last night. With everything else it was too hard.
But what made it dark wasn't any of those things. It was infertility. I am so very, very afraid. Afraid that this is not going to work. That I can never have kids. I am so afraid of that world. There has actually been alot of press in Australia this week about adoption, about women who were pressured in the 60s and 70s to give up their children. Statistics suggesting that kids who are adopted have terrible lives. I don't believe that is the case, I really don't believe that a child brought up by Earl and I, and with our lovely families, could have a terrible life. But I'm so emotionally raw when it comes to the idea of adoption (because it will be such a long, hard, emotional ride to do it) that now that just seems like such a hard road that I don't know if I'm up to
But I can't see a life without kids in it. I can't. It is too hard. I am so scared of it.
This morning things are better. It is a beautiful day, I am well rested, and my nephew (who I am once again ecstatic about) is likely to be born around mid-day. I secretly relieved I don't have to have the house completely tidy by Friday night. And with the tiredness gone I am reminded of how precious Earl is and how many silly fights he has continued to love me through.
In the dark times, I have to remember that the good times always out way the bad. In the night I have to remember that the morning is on the way!
But it's hard. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can keep myself going through the really hard times?
Two things made me smile last night.
Thumper's Ultra-sound picture. He is the small, tiny piece of evidence that maybe IVF can work for us. I hold on to him.
The other thing was a conversation that Earl and I had a few weeks ago.
Earl and I have just joined a choir. He is a bass, and for the first practice I was a first Soprano. Someone came up to me and said "You better be happy to have a baby, because everyone who joins us a first Soprano seems to have kids very soon afterwards. Your happy to have a baby aren't you?
I was shell shocked, I don't even remember what I said, it was just a classic case of silly insensitiveness.
Earl was horrified when I told him.
But suddenly we both started to laugh.
"We've discovered it, we've discovered the cure for my infertility" I said in mock excitement, "We tried IVF, Clomid, accupuncture. But all we needed to do was to get me to sing First Soprano in this choir! Problem solved".
We laughed and laughed and laughed. It wasn't really all that funny. But it was a poignant moment of Earl and I trying to make the best out of a bad situation. Of learning to laugh. Of making our own light in this dark road that we are on.