This week has been a big one.
Last Thursday morning, painlessly in his sleep, with his four much loved step sons and his wife at his side, my Pa went to be with Jesus. It has been a big emotional week. I love him so much, I'm so sad to say goodbye, I'm glad he is out of pain. And its such a strange time to loose a relative that I love. I'm sad that I didn't get to share with Pa the good news of the BFP. But I feel like he knows now. And he is with Thumper.
But what an emotional week it has been.
The waiting is so hard. My symptoms are simple. Large tender bre$ts and bloating and little twinges. I haven't had any nausea. Though I know its silly I just want some nausea. Some kind of proof. Because we are still 10 days away from our heart-beat scan. Of course, I know that the best proof that I am still pregnant is that my period hasn't come. But...its all so unreal and unexpected I find it hard to believe that wonderful phone call on Monday really happened.
Earl is funny. Sometimes he is funny and excited, calling out "Is that Lady and my baby, coming through the door". Sometimes he worries about the lack of nausea. At a fancy restaurant where we had tea he explained when asking about the menu "My wife might be pregnant", rather than "my wife is pregnant". And he says what we both feel at times, that this news, that life at the moment seems to good to be true, that something must go wrong. That is how we are at the moment. Walking on egg shells. We have always had our IF "happy endings" ruined. What about this one? I find myself constantly talking about the baby, constantly assuring him that it is right to be excited, because maybe if I can convince him I can convince myself.
And I still don't know when and if we will tell anyone. Earl is so excited about telling my parents we are pregnant, and it being good news that lasts, that this means waiting a long time to tell. The only thing that might bring it forward is that Earl's parents are going to be overseas at the start of next month, until after the 12 week mark. So I might be able to convince him to tell our parents around then, so that at least we can tell his folks in person before they go.
The sad/funny thing is, is that I can't imagine Mum and Dad not asking me directly this week how things are going, except that with Pa's death there has been much too much to talk about and to deal with, that I think it might just have slipped their minds!
And so how to I wait? I have big afternoon naps. I work, I walk, I clean. I wait.
Oh, and I am 5 weeks.