I guess it's fair to say that the news has sunken in. And with it has come the fear.
Monday was my happy day. It just so happened that Earl and I needed to go shopping for present for our friends new baby, so I walked around the shop gleefully like a typical fertile myrtle going gaga over all the little socks. I was so blissfully happy. I knew in my head that pregnancy doesn't equal baby but the BFP was such an amazing gift that I just basked in it for a day.
Now the happiness is muted and sprinkled with fear.
Not that anything has happened to suggest I'm not pregnant. I'm just realistic and scarred.
And that's okay. It's okay to be happy and it's okay to be afraid. I don't think fear will loose me this baby and I don't think happiness will make a miscarriage any harder.
I was talking to my boss about next year. I didn't say anything of course, but was weird to know how to think. With thumper I was already thinking contingency plans. This time I will just talk and plan as if next year is going as we all thought it would. And any changes can be figured out if I reach that magical 2nd trimester.
I have a two week wait until my scan. The clinic sent me there "positive pregnancy" booklet. I gloated and grinned as I opened it but it wasn't great reading. Everything that could've go wrong was listed in that book along with the words "even a high beta can still have this result". :(
So anyway, here I am. Pregnant. Scared. Happy. Flooded with memories of loosing thumper. I don't know what will happen, and have no control.
But I'm still very very thankful.
Ps thanks for all your congrats and well wishes, since I can't share in real life it is great to share with you all.