Suprisingly I was able to sleep last night. Partly it was Earl, constantly reading out quotes about how small bleeding is no big deal, partly I was just exhausted. I woke in the night, knowing I needed my middle of the night pee, but scared to go. Eventually I did. There was no bleeding, and there has been no bleeding since.
So its hard to know how to think about it. I rang the nurses this morning and left a message, and am still waiting for their call back. Why is it that when you really want to talk to them, they are always busy?
The hardest thing with this is to know what to hope for.
I mean, obviously what I am hoping for is that it is just a bit of cervical irratation bleeding and nothing more. Obviously I am hoping that both babies are still growing.
But there is a little part of me that wonders about vanishing twin syndrome, and whether this bleeding is just twin #2 last horrah.
And I don't know how to feel about that. If twin #2 is alive then I want him/her to live! I love both my babies. But if twin #2 has already stopped growing, then this bleeding might but be a sign of that, and baby #1 is fine and I am still completely pregnant. And that is a comforting thought, but I feel guilty about it.
It's just a weird scenario. To know that you are definitely pregnant with one baby, but to not know about the other. And so, besides praying for #2, I don't know how to think about him.
And its so hard, because we were starting to process that we might not have genetic children. And then this pregnancy happens and we realise how much we want this. And not just this, not just being pregnant, but being pregnant and having these babies. We are attached. And it is not okay if this doesn't work. It can't be okay.
My guess is that I'm still pregnant with at least one baby and everything is fine. But yesterday if you'd asked me honesty I would have told you I was super confident about this pregnancy working out. Now I'm not. This is just a reminder that things can and do go wrong. I feel like my symptoms (which are still around btw) have lulled me into a false sense of security. But this bleed has reminded me that there are no guarantees. 6 week heart beat does not equal baby.
7 weeks today.