I would love to say that my nerves have settled down, but I don't know if that is possible.
Yesterday I was in tears as I went to the bathroom, because I was so sure I would find bleeding. Why? No idea, and I didn't. But every so often the fear just rises up and I think "It's going to be now, it's going to be now".
It's funny, I'm been entertaining myself this week by looking up pregnancy things. Maternity dresses, week by weeks. But I realised that I hadn't looked at all at anything baby related. Its almost as if I can get excited about being pregnant, and even being heavily pregnant, but the idea of having a baby just still seems so impossibly far away.
I've also been reading through many of you IF mamma's blogs, at your stories of your first 12 weeks. That has been by far the most comforting thing. Because you were all where I was and it still happened. Some of you had even had miscarriages, and now you have babies. That fact, that I could loose Thumper, get pregnant, and then have the baby live feels like a dream that can't come true. But it can and it has for some, so maybe for me.
Yesterday Earl and I were in a cafe and I said, "I should make an appointment to see a local doctor". Partly because that's what I knew normal people were supposed to do when they became pregnant, partly because I can't talk to anyone right now about pregnancy and I have no idea what I am doing. Boy I now wish I grilled my bff more on where she brought her maternity bras and whether she was happy with our local hospital! Now I can't without raising suspicion! So I called the doc and...she only had an appointment that day. And I got freaked out. I wasn't ready to see a doctor. We haven't seen the heart-beat. And most of all, she's going to take a beta and I'm scared about what it would say.
She was wonderfully reassuring. She said 5 weeks was not unsubstantial and my mega boobs were a good sign (they go away pretty quickly she said if you are loosing the baby). So of course I've spent the last 24 hours staring down my cleavage- very glad that they are still there. Still no nausea, but I'm tired, big boobed and peeing all the time, so I think I need to be okay with that at the moment.
Doc said she would call me back with the blood results at some stage "in the next few days". She will let me know if I need vitamin D (she almost guarantees it, its a real problem for women in my city at the moment after such an overcast winter), and take my hospital preference so she can make a referral. It's so very scary. She could be calling about beta going down, or she could be calling about which hospital I'd like. How does one wait for a phone call like that?
As for time, it is moving fast and slow, depending on how you think about it. Earl couldn't believe it wasn't six weeks yet, but then he also can't believe that the scan is only a week away. We keep planning things for that day and then cancelling them, not sure what will happen, not sure how much strength we will have.
Oh, and I'm still on all my meds, the doctor will talk more about it at our scan. The only med I'm on at the moment which is different than normal is a steroid my doctor prescribed because "It won't hurt, and it might help". Earl thinks it's why we are pregnant. I don't know- but I am definitely still taking it until the doctor says to stop.