Symptoms and Secrets

Thanks for your lovely support and prayers.  Still on a bit of a high after yesterday.  Again, I know that heart beat doesn't equal baby, but it is still a wonderful step in the right direction.  And I am feeling so very pregnant at the moment.

Symptoms are ramping up.  Larger than normal bre$ts have been going along for a while, but I think last night they took another gigantic leap forward.  I'm only just fitting into my stretchy, normal sized bra.  I suspect if I was to get a new one now it would be at least one size bigger.

I also have a belly.  It's really weird.  Its not hard, it's all blubber, but its bigger than it was before the transfer, and after a big meal its pretty substantial.  I suspect at this stage it is just bloating.  Plus, I'm less likely to suck in my gut, so my default is more "belly" than normal".  Still not noticeable to anyone but Earl and I.  But to us it's hilariously obvious.  I'm a little self-conscious of it (because I'm not suppose to be showing yet and it makes me worry about my weight), but also a little proud too, because it makes me feel so very pregnant.  And I'm keeping up exercise and not eating junk so I don't really have a reason to worry.

I am getting up in the night to pee at least once, and I am very tired.  At the moment I am really enjoying my more flexible timetable and having afternoon naps.  They are so good.  It was funny, when I refilled my script for steroids (Doc wants me to stay on all my drugs until we at least pass 9 weeks), the lady told me to have it in the morning.  I told her I've been having it with lunch.  She said 'It can cause people to have trouble sleeping, have you had trouble sleeping?".  I almost laughed at all.  Not only have I been tired all the time, I've also been sleeping straight after I take it, after lunch.  And struggling to get up afterwards!

And the nausea.  I haven't vomited yet, though I have gotten closer.  Actually, it's been kinda funny.  There is a pattern.  Wake up in the morning a little nausea.  Eat to keep it at bay.   Feel better for about 5 minutes.  Then feel worse.  Feel worse for a few hours.  Eat a snack.  Feel better for about an hour.  Then feel bad, and feel progressively worse as lunch approaches (as well as hungry).  Eat lunch.  Feel better provided I don't eat too much.  At about 4pm (now!) start to feel a bit hungry.  Have a snack.  Continue to feel just okay.  Feel worse and worse.  Eat dinner.  Feel good for about five minutes, then feel yuck.  Feel yuck and tired.  Go to bed.

And this is only when I eat things I like.  If I eat anything I don't feel like, then the yuck just continues on.

But of course, as I said to Earl- if your going to be sick, have a lovely reason.  And the reason is so lovely that all of these symptoms are so very, very worth it.

One of the things that I find really interesting about this whole thing is that most people whose blog I've read (either from the past or right now) who have had their BFP are already telling at least some people.  It makes me feel like a bit of a weirdo.  Now, I'm sure if it were only up to me, or if Earl didn't care, we would have told a few people.  But I also don't feel any resentment for his position.

Basically this is how Earl feels.

He is so very excited to tell my parents. I've spoke about them before, but my parents are people who just adore kids, and my Dad particularly adores babies.  They are wonderful people and will make just the most amazing, involved Grandparents you can imagine.  And Earl had said (Early on in the trying process) that he wanted to be the ones to tell them.  It would make them so happy, and Earl loves the idea of being the one to break that news to them.  And I really like the idea of them hearing from him too.

But after all we've been through, and particularly with Thumper, this dream of happy news is really important to us.  We want it to be happy.  And we don't want them to be happy, and then rocked by a miscarriage   .  Of course if we miscarry we will tell them.  But having gone through the joy/pain cycle ourselves, Earl really wants that moment of telling them good news to say good.

And I don't want to tell anyone before my parents.

Hence waiting to 12 weeks.

In some ways its crazy- it's such a long time to keep the secret.  And my Mum has specifically told me that she want to know before 12 weeks, so she can support us through the wait.  But I feel in this situation, I really want to go with Earl's preference rather than hers.  She will be happy regardless.  And as hard as it is to be subtle (and this will only increase with the nausea), there is actually something really special about having this special secret with Earl.  God willing, if everything continues to go well, we will tell, and we will love telling and love people knowing.  But for today, I am willing to keep it a secret for Earl.  And kind of enjoying it in a weird way.

But it is nice to be able to share it with you.
Continuing to pray for all of you.  It's so strange.  So many of you have been where I am now, and sometimes I found it encouraging, sometimes hard.  I know this can be hard.  I'm continuing to pray.  Thanks for sticking by me.
Love LG