Hi Friends,
Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. No, I haven't tested yet. One reason is business (we'll been staying with family- no chance to go to the chemist) but the main reason is Earl isn't ready yet. It's pretty funny, I told him I was day 42 yesterday and he said "That's not that much". I don't know how on earth he could think 42 isn't much! We did have some really long cycles when I first went off the pill, but even then-we are already up to the second longest cycle of my life!
He is just so very afraid. He doesn't want to get disappointed. "Let's just not think about it for a week and then see what happens". But he's the guy and he can do that, and that's a little tougher for me :) But I am happy to go with what he thinks for the moment- because I understand how he feels. At the moment its just a possibility, a very real and exciting possibility and an answer to a million prayers- once we test we can be pretty sure- and a BFN would be horrible.
And its doubly hard because I'm such a hypochondriac, I can't work out if the slight morning nauseousness I"m feeling is just in my head... I haven't even mentioned it to Earl because again, if I am not pregnant and it is in my head I don't want to make this harder for him by getting his hopes up more than they already are.
So I'll sit back and wait, and see if I feel sicker. If i do, i don't think I'll have any problem convincing Earl its time for a test.
Sorry you have to wait along with me! Praying soon I'll have good news for all of us!
LG
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Do I dare?
Do I dare even to start to think about it?
No bleeding except for a little bit over a week ago. Cramping-weird cramping that is not like period and not like Thumper. Day 42.
Can I even say it?
Could I be pregnant?
I don't know, it seems so unlikely that it could happen and so scary to get hopeful and be wrong.
But what if I am?
LG
No bleeding except for a little bit over a week ago. Cramping-weird cramping that is not like period and not like Thumper. Day 42.
Can I even say it?
Could I be pregnant?
I don't know, it seems so unlikely that it could happen and so scary to get hopeful and be wrong.
But what if I am?
LG
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Sensitive moments
Family agents are always a little scary when you struggle with IF. When you add in a very obviously pregnant sister-in-law, it can b a little daunting. But my experience is that usually the worst case scenarios don't happen.
Usually.
We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)
Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.
Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.
The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)
I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.
Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.
Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)
LG
Usually.
We arrived at the wedding and Earls Aunt began to gush over SILs belly-I was sitting in front so I turned around so I wouldn't be forced to smile at her comments. She was holding earls cousins screaming daughter. She dumped the daughter into my arms and said "here you go, it's about time you got clucky (is that an Australian expression? To get clucky means to really want a baby)
Earl and I walked outside and I started to cry. I said "I knew someone would say something". Earl said "You set yourself up for these things. It wasn't that bad-you've just worried yourself into being super sensitive". And this morning I know that. But yesterday I was too wound up-too overwhelmed by the belly that just couldn't be looked away from to be brave.
Earl is lovely, so sensitive and always on my side. But it can be hard with his family. He loves them, but he really cares about what they think, and me crying in front of them is the height of humiliation for him. And there have been several family functions which I've found hard which Earl has not been able to enjoy because of me. And that's tough for both of us. But there is a limit to my strengh and I don't know how things could have been different.
The irony in all this is that AF still hasn't arrived yet. I am having silly little dreams of two lines, but I also know that the odds of me getting pregnant naturally are a great deal worse than the odds of a 39 day cycle after a stim cycle. I don't even know if it's possible to get pregnant straight after IVF. For once google has let me down on an IVF question :)
I'm not going to test for a bit longer-and I just have to remind myself not to get carried away. I've already prematurely mourned AF this month, I don't want to go through it again a week later because I get convinced of something that just isn't very likely.
Tonight I'm celebrating Thanksgiving with My family. This year has been tough. But there is, in my experience, always something to be thankful for.
Even if it's just Pumpkin Pie :)
LG
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Too much in my head
I sat down to write out my feelings but it's hard to know where to start. There are two very distinct things happening in my head to do with Infertility- and that- compiled with all the thinking that comes with moving and leaving a job has left me a bit shell shocked. I woke up early and I was just snapped wide awake. There were just too many things to think. It's the kind of morning where I would wake up and clean, but we are at my in-laws house so there is no need.
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
In-laws. That's as good a place to start. I was feeling pretty good about my sister-in-laws pregnancy a little while ago, and alot of the fears, to do with this trip to see family, and Christmas, and all family stuff up until she gives birth- had seemed to disappear somewhat. So I think I was blind-sided by how hard it was seeing my in-law. My Father-in-law asked "Any News" and while I suspect he meant nothing by it- I read it as "Are you pregnant yet?". He talked about painting "The yellow room" which is the room that my nephew will sleep in when he is born (my SIL and BIL will live with my PIL for a while when the baby comes). I felt sick. It is one thing to know that my SIL is having a baby before me, but to see all the excitement that I feel should have been about Thumper is really tough.
I didn't look in the room last night- I did it just this morning. There was a change table. It was nice. I thought- maybe I will be okay. Maybe it was tiredness that was making me crazy.
Then I got on the computer downstairs to write on this blog- and all the "favourite" websites that came up were baby related.
Not just tiredness.
Second IF thing which is really hard is that my body is acting really weird. On Monday I thought AF was coming because I got some spotting. On Wednesday I thought AF was coming because I had some more bleeding. Thursday and today...nothing. Nothing except cramps which are really weird and are actually reminicent of the twinges I had before I misscarried.
I don't actually think that I am pregnant. I have had something like this once before- where I kind of got a fake period, and then the real one came about 5 days later. But I am really struggling with the uncertainty of it and what it might mean. Is there something wrong with me? Is my body not recovering well from IVF. Am I pre-metapausal. And there is always a little fear that maybe I am pregnant but its ectopic- hense the pain and the irregular bleeding.
And the pain is hard. Its not the dull ache of a period but sharp little "ouches". Not enough to have to take anything for it, but just unexpected and annoying.
If I am not pregnant- I just want a normal period.
When will my body behave?
Despite all that, I'm actually going okay. Not perfect, but still so much better than a few weeks ago when I feel apart.
I'm also deciding whether to see my BFF. I would like to see her, but it will be the first time I see her since her news, and I'm not sure i'm up to that. I will be moving close by in less than 3 weeks, so she won't mind. Hard to decide.
Too much in my head!
LG
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
It would have been nice
I got AF today. On day 35. It's not that I really truely thought that I was pregnant- though I was starting to feel both hopeful and stressed and unsure. When AF came I felt a little sad. I didn't think I was pregnant.
But it would have been nice.
I am still in a pretty good place. I packed my bags, and chatted with friends, and did my work despite the arrival.
But it would have been nice.
I am feeling really excited and hopeful about moving onto a new clinic. It has been a really rough year and change is good. I am very aware that my chances in any non-medicated cycle are very slim, and that my best chances are when the doctors do some of the hard work for me.
But it would have been nice.
It would have been nice to be pregnant. It would have been wonderful. It would have been the best. To be pregnant a year after loosing Thumper. To go into a year of change with a little miracle nestling inside of me.
But it was not to be.
LG
But it would have been nice.
I am still in a pretty good place. I packed my bags, and chatted with friends, and did my work despite the arrival.
But it would have been nice.
I am feeling really excited and hopeful about moving onto a new clinic. It has been a really rough year and change is good. I am very aware that my chances in any non-medicated cycle are very slim, and that my best chances are when the doctors do some of the hard work for me.
But it would have been nice.
It would have been nice to be pregnant. It would have been wonderful. It would have been the best. To be pregnant a year after loosing Thumper. To go into a year of change with a little miracle nestling inside of me.
But it was not to be.
LG
Monday, November 21, 2011
Still good
I was a little bit worried that the reason I was in such a good place was that AF had not arrived and that this hope was what was keeping me going.
But while there can be no good time for AF- I am pretty happy with how things went today.
Just before finding out that AF was probably on her way, I realised I missed a call. You see, my lovely counsellor had called up a few specialist in the state which we are moving too- just to see if there were any that might squeeze me in. One of the doctors- who is quite high up in the field of IVF- is not taking new patients until February. But his personal secretary called to say she can book me in for an appointment in Dec! Yay! And so when AF came it wasn't of a cycle that didn't work that I was thinking of but rather of IVF in the future that might.
That is exciting and hopeful.
I have many other things I'd love to write, but life is mad, mad, mad in a good busy way, and I really should get off my butt and do some packing while I have 30 minutes breath :)
Love to you all, i don't know what kind of days you are having but I'm praying for strength and hope for you all. And lots of babies :)
LG
But while there can be no good time for AF- I am pretty happy with how things went today.
Just before finding out that AF was probably on her way, I realised I missed a call. You see, my lovely counsellor had called up a few specialist in the state which we are moving too- just to see if there were any that might squeeze me in. One of the doctors- who is quite high up in the field of IVF- is not taking new patients until February. But his personal secretary called to say she can book me in for an appointment in Dec! Yay! And so when AF came it wasn't of a cycle that didn't work that I was thinking of but rather of IVF in the future that might.
That is exciting and hopeful.
I have many other things I'd love to write, but life is mad, mad, mad in a good busy way, and I really should get off my butt and do some packing while I have 30 minutes breath :)
Love to you all, i don't know what kind of days you are having but I'm praying for strength and hope for you all. And lots of babies :)
LG
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Oposite ends- and my dream
Hi Friends,
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!
Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.
At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.
She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.
Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.
She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".
It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.
Anyway- onto the dream.
I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.
Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.
The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.
I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.
But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG
Can i just say, thanks to everyone who is praying for me. This week has been great. It has had emotional moments, but I can't believe how well I am dealing with news. So yay to you guys who support me, yay to my counsellor, yay to Earl, and yay to God!
Anyway, when I say I'm in a good mood, it is remarkable given what I'm about to tell you.
At my church there is a lady who has been overseas for three months. She is 7 months pregnant. I had lunch with her today, and as we talked I felt amazed. We are on totally opposite ends for everything.
She has two children, one 8 and one 12- and she is 45. Her husband and her are together less than half the year. When she didn't get her period she thought it must be menopausal. When she found out she was having a child she slipped into depression.
Her husband is overseas half of the year. She had finished her family. She did not want to have this child. She told her doctor if she wasn't a follower of Jesus she would have gotten rid of it. She just does not know how she is going to cope with a new born again. Her kids are now used to the idea- but her 8 year old was screaming at her in tears when she found out. "Our family is finished" she cried out angrily.
She said to me "We know this is a blessing but it's not a blessing we want".
It is so strange, and hard to comprehend, that people who don't want kids get them and people like me who pray so hard for them don't. I really felt for her, and wished there was someway that we can take the child for her. But I believe there is a purpose in her having another child. I don't yet understand the purpose of me NOT having a child, but I believe that she has been blessed and will one day be ready to count that blessing.
Anyway- onto the dream.
I have a re-occurring dream which is going to 'out' me to the world as the biggest nerd ever! My dream is that I am back at University- and I find out I was doing a subject I forgot about, and I am not going to finish the work and I'm going to fail. It is this terrible feeling of hopeless. It always seems to come at times of stress and change.
Anyway, this morning I had the dream- but it was slightly altered.
The subject was a maths subject, and I had an exam and several assignments due in a matter of days. The feeling of stress overwhelmed me. But then I paused. I looked down at the text book. I thought to myself "I'm good at Math, I can work this out, I can do this". And so I sat down and began the assignment.
I woke up amazed. And it seemed so appropriate to how I feel this week. Yes, I'm scared of next year, and facing Christmas, and all the babiness and babylessness that is butting heads this year. And it will be tough.
But I'm good at tough. I can work this out. I can do this.
LG
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Progress
Lying in bed last night, I found myself wondering how I could get to sleep. I felt the wallowing thoughts overtaking me. The feeling so wretched about our situation. The anger at God. The shame that I could not be happy for my friend.
But I knew I needed to sleep, that I couldn't wallow, so I repeated phrases from my counsellor
Your Friends pregnancy does not in any way affect your own chances of getting pregnant
Of course, when she said that, she wasn't talking about this friend. But it helped. And slowly I began to think helpful thoughts.
It's funny, because I've already had the reality in my head that not everyone gets to have a baby. And in every group of people there will be someone who can't and doesn't. I guess when I first heard my long term IF friends news my imediate thought was "Oh no, we are going to be THE ONES". Earl calmly pulled apart the logic of this, and I realised how silly it was. I also realised that we still have 3 friends without kids who have been trying for a long time, so even if it was true (which its not) its still not grounds for an overreaction.
I had a lady in my church who never had kids. She said she had a friend who also couldn't have kids and she prayed that God would give her friend a child, even if it meant he wouldn't give one to her. God answered that prayer. I'm not sure it is the right way to pray, but I still am amazed. I don't know if I could give up having a baby myself, even for my closest friends.
But if I could for anyone, it would be this lady. She and her husband have had the roughest time- rejected by his family for their cross-racial marriage, with her own family falling apart. She has found IF so very hard and have been very lonely and scared. And I choose to be happy for her, even if it's really hard.
So yay for progress! Of course, in the last 30 minutes I have also just heard of three other pregnancies. It's so extreme it is actually quite funny.
And you know what? I actually feeling positive that one day I can make my own announcement as well.
Here's hoping.
LG
But I knew I needed to sleep, that I couldn't wallow, so I repeated phrases from my counsellor
Your Friends pregnancy does not in any way affect your own chances of getting pregnant
Of course, when she said that, she wasn't talking about this friend. But it helped. And slowly I began to think helpful thoughts.
It's funny, because I've already had the reality in my head that not everyone gets to have a baby. And in every group of people there will be someone who can't and doesn't. I guess when I first heard my long term IF friends news my imediate thought was "Oh no, we are going to be THE ONES". Earl calmly pulled apart the logic of this, and I realised how silly it was. I also realised that we still have 3 friends without kids who have been trying for a long time, so even if it was true (which its not) its still not grounds for an overreaction.
I had a lady in my church who never had kids. She said she had a friend who also couldn't have kids and she prayed that God would give her friend a child, even if it meant he wouldn't give one to her. God answered that prayer. I'm not sure it is the right way to pray, but I still am amazed. I don't know if I could give up having a baby myself, even for my closest friends.
But if I could for anyone, it would be this lady. She and her husband have had the roughest time- rejected by his family for their cross-racial marriage, with her own family falling apart. She has found IF so very hard and have been very lonely and scared. And I choose to be happy for her, even if it's really hard.
So yay for progress! Of course, in the last 30 minutes I have also just heard of three other pregnancies. It's so extreme it is actually quite funny.
And you know what? I actually feeling positive that one day I can make my own announcement as well.
Here's hoping.
LG
Just not the right time
Is there any right time to hear other people's news? I'm not sure. But 11pm at night is definately the wrong time. From now on, I am not checking my emails right before bed.
I was looking forward to writing a post about how I was in a good place. About how helpful the meeting with the counsellor was. About how the fear had subsided. About how I was feeling positive about the future for the first time in weeks.
Oh dear...
Needless to say that is all in a heap, and I am in tears on the computer when I should be in bed.
I have a friend I have known for many years. We started trying at the same time. She had alot of serious health issues to do with IF and emotionally really wasn't coping well. So much so that she cut herself off from many of our friends. Our shared IF story meant that we kept up, and I think I was able to really encourage her. I was actually going to catch up with her and tell her I was pregnant the day before we found out Thumper was gone.
I got the email today that she is 4 months pregnant.
I am relieved for her.
But why now? Why less than a week after BFF news? Why when I was starting to feel better?
I am just so tired
So tired of this journey
So tired of being left behind.
So tired in general.
I need to go to bed.
I hope I can sleep after this.
LG
I was looking forward to writing a post about how I was in a good place. About how helpful the meeting with the counsellor was. About how the fear had subsided. About how I was feeling positive about the future for the first time in weeks.
Oh dear...
Needless to say that is all in a heap, and I am in tears on the computer when I should be in bed.
I have a friend I have known for many years. We started trying at the same time. She had alot of serious health issues to do with IF and emotionally really wasn't coping well. So much so that she cut herself off from many of our friends. Our shared IF story meant that we kept up, and I think I was able to really encourage her. I was actually going to catch up with her and tell her I was pregnant the day before we found out Thumper was gone.
I got the email today that she is 4 months pregnant.
I am relieved for her.
But why now? Why less than a week after BFF news? Why when I was starting to feel better?
I am just so tired
So tired of this journey
So tired of being left behind.
So tired in general.
I need to go to bed.
I hope I can sleep after this.
LG
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Getting Help
Okay, i think its time to admit that I am NOT coping better than I have with other announcements. I am in the sense that I am not particularly bitter or angry towards my friend, but I am not in the sense that I am falling apart and I know its not just a coincidence that this break-down has coincided with my friends news.
I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.
And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).
When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.
I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.
And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG
I'm so scared. Before her news I was really looking forward to moving back to my home town in a month. Now it just feels like there will be so much hardness associated with the move.
And Spiritually I am in a bad place. I'm conscious that not everyone who reads this blog believes the same things I do (thought some of you do), so apologies if this doesn't make sense. I've been in a really bad place with God, really angry, falling apart. This is a normal part of infertility- and I know he can handle it. But it has become something that is not healthy. A battle. It has become like a wrestle with him, I argue why he has to baby, I try to manipulate him with my emotions (ie If you don't give me a baby right now I will blah, blah, blah).
When I was pregnant with Thumper, I remember reading a post by someone who was going through similar things- being really angry with God about their infertility. And I thought, in my arrogant pregnancy bliss "If you would just keep trusting him, he will look after you". Several weeks later, Thumper was in Heaven and this women was pregnant. I think for some really weird reason I have it in my head that if I get to the very lowest of lows then God will finally give me a baby. But God is not one to be manipulated, and I don't want to be someone who only loves and serves when things are going well. I want to keep trusting him.
I caught up with friends after I heard my BFFs news. I didn't tell them, but I was pretty upset and one of the girls said "Maybe its time to get some help". I told her I would see my counsellor again. Hubby is also going to organise a meeting with a friend who is a bit of a Christian Mentor figure.
And so I will try to do something about this mess I am in. Because I don't like this person I am becoming.
LG
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Dealing better
There are many reasons I am writing this post, the main one being so that when I go to my blog I don't see the first line of my previous post. Everytime I do I get a little turn in my tummy.
Though, to be honest, I am dealing with BFFs pregnancy better than most. I mean, I am a mess today, but most of the time its not about her being pregnant but it's about the consequences. It's the ackward "Isn't it exciting that X is pregnant" conversations I am going to have to have with our huge number of mutual friends. It's dreading the conversations about the fear and struggle that I know is going to posess her over her impending and early motherhood (because I know her so well, i know she is the sort of person who will find the baby stage really hard, and watching her find it really hard will be really hard for me). But when I think about her baby, I actually get excited at the thought of meeting it, and having what I am sure will be a huge role in its life.
I guess I've faced my worst announcement (my sister-in-law having a baby before me) and so everything else is still hard, but not as earth shattering.
But I'm so fragile. Really, really fragile.
Anyway, sleep will help.
Night Y'all :)
LG
Though, to be honest, I am dealing with BFFs pregnancy better than most. I mean, I am a mess today, but most of the time its not about her being pregnant but it's about the consequences. It's the ackward "Isn't it exciting that X is pregnant" conversations I am going to have to have with our huge number of mutual friends. It's dreading the conversations about the fear and struggle that I know is going to posess her over her impending and early motherhood (because I know her so well, i know she is the sort of person who will find the baby stage really hard, and watching her find it really hard will be really hard for me). But when I think about her baby, I actually get excited at the thought of meeting it, and having what I am sure will be a huge role in its life.
I guess I've faced my worst announcement (my sister-in-law having a baby before me) and so everything else is still hard, but not as earth shattering.
But I'm so fragile. Really, really fragile.
Anyway, sleep will help.
Night Y'all :)
LG
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I was right
BFF is pregnant. 8 weeks.
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
Eek!
I handled it really well, in some weird way I was able to be actually happy for her during the conversation. But I've been on a rocky roller coaster of emotions since we spoke.
Im really hoping this horrible year, which just doesn't stop being hard and horrible, is the storm before the cloud clear, that this year is our horrible year and next year will be magical baby year.
LG
Looking back, looking forward
It has actually been a really lovely week. We have had great time with friends, Earl has finally finished his studies, and I've been in a pretty good place.
A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.
Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.
But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.
We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.
So that possibility made me a bit shaky.
I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.
On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.
Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.
I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.
LG
A friend whose husband has also just finishing studying (they study together at a seminary) has organised a "reflection" night for me and my friends. Basically its a chance to look back over the last four years and think about how we have changed and grown, and what has happened- good and bad. She gave us a little form to fill in to think about these things.
Filling in this form took place in the weeks after the negative cycle, and I found myself looking back over these last four years as terrible.
But on Tuesday I found myself looking over my non-annonymous blog, and as I looked back at the happy times (I tend to only write on that blog when I'm happy), I realised that there has been many cool, fun, wonderful moments. And there has been alot of growth. So that has put me in a better place.
Yesterday was a tough day, mainly I suspect due to lack of sleep the nights before. My BFF has contacted me for a phone chat. We usually phone chat once a month, this will be the second one in two weeks. It might be because she is excited about my return to her city of residence, but I suspect she might be pregnant and is a) planning to tell me, or b) not planning to tell me yet but is feeling extra sorry for me because of it, so wants to look after me.
We discussed it, and she isn't planning to tell me until she is 12 weeks, but I know her and I doubt very much she could hold in such news.
So that possibility made me a bit shaky.
I also called the private clinic where we are thinking of going to for IVF. The public liason lady was LOVELY. Really, I felt so loved the minute I got on the phone. My Therapist had talked to their therapist and had recommened three doctors, all of which are not taking new patients until MARCH. And that doesn't mean starting IVF in March. That means initial consolutation, nurse appointments, police checks (my new state has extra rules about who can do IVF), and probably no actual IVF until June. So I don't know what to do. The lovely lady recommended some doctors without waiting list, but I don't know if I should wait, maybe not for the best, but at least for one of their top doctors. I just don't know.
On the way home I just cried and cried. I kept saying to God "I can't, I can't, I can't". 'I can't' what? Everything. A new cycle. A new clinic. Christmas. Moving. Adjusting. Maybe watching my friend have a baby.
Now that I have woken up after a huge sleep, I feel so much better. I feel like I can face life.
I told Earl, "I've had a great week, something is going to happen to make it bad". Earl smiled, hugged me and said "We don't have a baby. That is the bad thing in every week. So you don't have to worry, nothing worse can happen than that." It was a strangely comforting comment.
LG
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The Story of Loosing Thumper
WARNING- If you are pregnant, best not to read this, it might be upsetting. In fact, no one needs to read this if you don't feel comfortable- this is an exercise for me as much as it is information for anyone else.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Today, I'm going to write the story of how we lost Thumper.
I've been wanting to write it for a few weeks now, but I needed the right time, when I was emotionally up for it. I have never done this before in detail, it has always been too painful. But I've been doing lots of reflecting on the past, and I realised that for me, often writing things down is the most helpful way to process it.
And I want to do this now. Earl is really keen that the date we found out we lost Thumper would not be a day that we would focus on. It was right before Christmas, and it was too horrible a time. We feel it is better to "celebrate" Thumper on his due date. My Therapist/counselor concurred. She said what I needed to do was to celebrate the good things about Thumper rather than his death. The amazing thing is, we had decided that the end of the this year was when we would quit IVF, the time when we decided that if it hasn't worked by then, it wasn't going to work. But Thumper has given us the hope to continue, and any future children that we have through IVF, well we have Thumper to thank for their existence. Amazing thought.
Anyway- the story.
Thumper was our amazing miracle. We were so excited when we got the BFP, but we were cautious too. This caution was exacerbated by the fact that he was a little small on his first scan. We waited through the 10 days until the follow up scan, scared and afraid- though with ever growing morning sickness to make us feel better. And when the scan came, he was perfect- not only was he the 10 days bigger they needed, he had actually almost caught up. The nurse said, you can never be totally confident until 12 weeks, but things were looking good.
At that point we called him Thumper, because he had a heart that just kept beating, even when the odds were against him.
We were traveling down to our home town for Christmas- excited to tell our families the good news. We'd agreed on ten weeks for the announcement, and had even organised to go out for dinner with my family to tell them. On the way we stopped at a country town where much of my mum's family lived to have a Christmas party. I was staying with my Aunt. I got up in the night to go to the toilet and found the smallest amount of blood. Working very hard not to wake the house, we went to the local emergency room. The Doctor was not worried at all, but said since we needed reassurance, she suggested we book in for an ultra-sound that week. We were not too worried, and were secretly a little pleased to get another chance to see our little baby.
We were going to a clinic near my in-laws. We walked there. I still remember, it was a beautiful day, I was a little nervous- but happy nervous not sad.
This is the part that is hard to write.
We went into the clinic. The stenographer said at this stage it should be fine to do a non-internal ultra sound and so he began to check.
There was no heart beat.
The stenographer didn't say anything about it, but he said he should try internal and left the room. But I knew what it should look like. There was a shape, but it wasn't alive. I could just tell.
Earl said, lets not panic until we know. I calmed a bit, but not alot. I knew something was very wrong.
He did the internal. No heart beat. I began crying and screaming "No, no, give me my baby back, where is he, what's going on. Give me my baby back. This can't be happening."
The stenographer still wouldn't say anything, and brought the doctor in to look. He agreed, no heart beat, and told us our baby was gone. I don't remember what Earl said, but I remember the look on his face and his tears. Our world and completely fallen apart.
We walked back to Earls parents in shock. We just kept saying, how can it be such a beautiful sunny day when it is the worst day that ever was? I went up to our room and Earl broke the news to his Mum and Brother. I went down stairs and cried in my Mum-in-laws arms.
Earl told me to pack an overnight bag. We just had to get away from everyone, and we found a hotel by the beach. It was a horrible night, we just watched TV so we wouldn't have to think about anything, and ate junk-food. That night we prayed that God would take us back in time and that Thumper would be alive again. We knew that if God answered our prayers we would not be in the hotel anymore. The next morning, I was never so devastated to wake up in a beautiful hotel.
That's all I can write.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Stoped and Still
As we approach 5 years of trying, there are huge differences in my attitude to when we started. It think I'm reflecting on this alot because of two people I know who are starting ARTs for the first time, one is doing IVF and one is doing IUI. The IUI person is not a close friend, and she is being crazy open, she has told all nine hundred of her friends on facebook! I find it really hard to read her posts, she is so certain she will get pregnant- and she is probably right. Most people I know do!
But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.
things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.
Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.
Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.
WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.
But it reminded me of myself at that stage. I wasn't that positive or open, but I definitely thought it would happen and happen soon, and lived my life accordingly. Here are some changes I've seen.
things I've stopped doing:
Only buying old/baggy clothes just in case I get pregnant
I just got sick of looking like a dag! I won't buy clothes in the two week wait, but other than that I just buy nice, normal, fitting clothes and figure if I do get pregnant it will be such a happy time I won't care that new clothes can't be warn. This week Earl went dress shopping with me and we bought two really lovely dresses for NO REASON! I find Infertility makes me feel bad about myself, and so looking good really helps.
Using Home pregnancy tests
The times I've used them, its always been negative and the day before my period comes. I just don't get my hopes up, and wait for blood tests to let me know.
Read blog posts on re-usable nappies
The truth is, when I first started trying, I was fully in to all things mummy blogging, because I was thinking hard about what kind of Mum I want to be. It is not that this is no longer important- it's just that I don't have the emotional energy to do it when Motherhood seems no closer (maybe even further away) than it did five years ago. If I get pregnant (please, please, please, please!) I will have 9 months to remind myself of what nappies people have said are the best.
WHAT I Still do:
-I don't drink alcohol or eat soft cheeses or sushi in the second half of my cycle
-I still try every month to get pregnant. Not only is it fun ;P but I figure with PCOS it is unlikely but always possible that this month might be the one month of my life when we can do this on our own.
-I still read baby name books, and I still imagine my kids, what they will look like and be like- perfect little mixes of Earl and me.
-Pray at least 5 sometimes 20 times a day for a baby.
-Linked into that, I still pray that God will give us four kids. But that's a topic for another post.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Above water again
Hi Friends,
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
I was trying to capture the perfect metaphore for the last week, and just the up and down of IVF. This is my attempt.
Infertility is like being stuck at sea, treading water, hoping deperately to get to dry land. IVF is like a rush to the shore. You paddle and paddle with all your might. The beach is in sight and you think you are almost there. For some, it's just a few more stroks and they are there. But for others, a big wave comes, drags you under, and pulls you back out to sea. You gasp out into the salty water, wondering if you can get back for air, thinking "I was so close, I was so close".
I feel like last week I was still under water, and I feel like today I've just pulled myself up and I'm breathing again.
Of course, I'm not silly enough to think that the pain is over and that suddenly I'm going to be okay. But today I've actually been happy. Today I've been able to hold it together. Today I've been able to hope and even get at least a little bit excited about the future. Today I've been able to read blogs of people who are recently pregnant and felt that maybe there miracles might be my miracles soon, instead of feeling like God has once again passed over me to bless others.
Even as I write that last line, a little wave of depression rushes over me. But I fight back to the surface and continue to paddle.
One of the hardest things about IVF is that when you face the disappointment of a BFN or AF- the impatients rises up. While I'm under the waves i think, I don't care if I get pregnant in six months. I don't want to be pregnant in six months. I want to be pregnant now. I want the miracle to have already happened. And Thumper compounds it because I can't help thinking of the might have beens, that the waiting could have been completely over, that we could have him with us right now.
I read of others who are blessed and I want what they have so bad I can hardly breath. Walking home on the day I got my period, I could actually physically feel the emptiness in my chest, as if I really did have a baby shaped hole in my heart.
Today, the idea of having a baby is six months is a happy thought, and I think, okay, maybe I will survive this.
Please keep praying for me. I so desperately want this.
LG
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